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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, March 18, 2007

He does know

He knows what He is doing!!!! I wondered what to title this especially seeing as how right now i am focused on dealing with fear and trust and loving God in the way He calls me to. He asks us to come to Him as a lil child. I was going through a tough night last week sat in my recliner in the middle of the night, in my mind and heart praying to seek HIm, to trust Him. I began singing *Jesus loves me* and couldn't finish, voice cracked and tears just flowed. I do not know why but I have a fixation in my mind about physical death. i know and believe the truth of Jesus resurrection and that by trusting Him we also get victory over death, but I get sideswiped in my emotions and some crazy thinking telling me i will end up suffocating in the coffin once its underground or i will be in a black hole with nothing and no one there followed by endless anxiety and fear which never leaves. i think these worries/thoughts stem from feeling guilty for having compulsive sins I fall to so often and patches of time where i struggle with unbelief. The good thing is that He shines through in some way during these times.

This flesh and blood body was never meant to live in eternity. I need a new eternal body for that, and only by passing from this earth into eternity can I be in His presence. This is the truth that Jesus came and left the Trinity for!!!! The only unforgiven sin is to refuse forgiveness. i let my mind play tricks with me(well satan has a lil game of his own as well to add to that) and think God is upset,fed up and tired of my seemingly endless battle with fear and certain areas of sin. I praise Him He isn't though!!!! I praise Him that as i was thinking about this post, He gave me comforting thoughts,scriptures and the encouraging words,thoughts and prayers from friends and many of you out there. i also need to realize God loves me way more than i will ever know He really does!!! I have a hard time accepting that for some reason in myself so glad he gives me people who share this journey and who walk that valley of the shadow help me to walk with You so i will fear no evil!!!

I have posted about force vs choice a few times on here. I think they are the 2 main elements at play in life all the time. I feel as though Im forced to feel/think certain ways at times. But i am also choosing actions as well. i choose to obey or disobey, believe or not believe. I really pray God will work in me and place in me a deeper true desire to live for Him and serve Him, loving him with all of myself and loving my neighbor as myself. The greatest truths are sometimes the simplest and most obvious.

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