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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, April 02, 2007


That is how I feel life seems so much but I think it should not be so. I think about the answer that the theologian Karl Barth gave to some students who were listening to him lecture once. They asked him the one major truth he thought was most profound above all others in all his years of study and following the Lord. *Jesus loves me this i know for the Bible tells me so* THAT was his answer the Gospel at its most basic level. I want to live life following that reality complications seem to always bog me down. *Evidence That Demands A Verdict* is one of my alltime favorite apologetics books. Josh McDowell lays out a very clear,thorough,concise case for the authenticity of Christianity and its claim to Absolute Truth. He shows by use of the *Lord.Liar.Lunatic* analogy how Jesus CANNOT be merely a good man,guru,philosopher,mystic whatever other term He is given. If He is NOT Lord HE MUST be a liar or a lunatic He leaves no other options open. I used alot of stuff from that book in doing a persuasive speech in je college on Jesus as Lord as well as in personal witnessing.

I committed my life to Jesus as Lord and Savior when I was 16. I believe His Word. Why then do I struggle everyday with sin, sometimes the same sin over and over??? I KNOW the answers. I know what He asks. Why do I have fear, doubts,resistance,rebelliosness,selfish ambitions???/ I look in the Word and see all the commands about seeking holiness dying to self living as a new creation in Him why is my mind so filled with so much junk that tries to crowd out the truth i read in His Word the truth that He is???? I have had a lot more conversational prayer with God in the last few months. I have had timed where I see His presence manifested in various ways through words or actions of people, in books, magazine articles movies. I am jsut throwing out the wondering i have so deep inside. How can I be wanting to serve as deeply as i can to be His servant and minister to and teach others and struggle so much with my own flesh battling Him everyday???

Is repentance and confession of sin to be ongoing even several times a day??? What do i do to overcome the struggles I think/;feel like i should have overcome so long ago?? I let my mind fill up with so much stuff i contemplate and meditate upon and then i seem to paralyze myself from action. I wonder why God doesnt just let me have a heart attack or stroke or some other action that causes instant death. I want to live a life pleasing to God and Jesus and i seek to yet I have so many things I let distract everyday. I find myself worried or hurting or who knows what wondering how can I just live and breathe in faith love and hope seeking to love Him with all my heart mind soul and strength and at the sametime I fight against those very desires and actions in various ways.

Do you struggle with these things internally??? Do you find yourself reading the Bible. seeing what it says about how our lives should be as believers and wondering why am I not able to be that wht keeps me falling behind???? I just felt compelled to lay out my guts on here so many honest journeyers I love to read. So very challenging. I want to take all this stuff wrap it up hand it to God and let Him remove it so I can live in the rest and light yoke He says He has. I want to move forward, to grow mature be transformed. Hopefully in sharing all this He will use it to do just that moment by moment. Prayer is a very good thing!!!


At 6:53 AM, Blogger Gary Means said...

Yes, I have felt all of the things you describe. And I have known many others who have as well.

I have long been plagued by recurring memories of painful events, some even going back over 40 years. Often these memories flash up and I am overwhelmed with shame and make some sort of vocalization. It can be a word of profanity, a word of gibberish, a groan, etc. I have come to recognize that these memories are incidents of pain and fear. The fear is always of being rejected. Sometimes that happened.

So now, when these vocalizations alert me to the fact that I have been triggered again, I stop. I recognize that I had a moment of shame and that behind that shame was fear, the fear of being rejected.

The verse about perfect love casting out fear comes to mind. So I take it an important step further. I tell myself that the act which I am remembering, no matter how shameful, is totally irrelevant when it comes to God loving me. It changes nothing. His love is greater than that. In that way I am trying to turn shame triggers into reminders of His love for me. Perhaps the shame triggers may be redeemed. This is a new experience for me, a bit of an experiment. So I'll see what happens.

I don't know if that directly addresses what you were sharing, but it's what came up for me as I read.

At 11:50 AM, Blogger bjk said...

It is...a VERY good thing.....praying and questioning with you Robert.....confidently praying.

At 8:05 PM, Blogger Robert said...

Gary brother YES your post does strike a deep chord with me I thank you sooooo much for taking the time to read and respond to me here knowing all you are dealing with. I was thinking i was being like david and the other Psalm authors as i wrote this post sometimes have to let loose the pain hurt fear and frustration even if its not what I want nor deeply believe. Thanks brother you always inspire and encourage me!!!

Bjk THANKS!!! I am always challenged and encouraged by your blog as well as our back and forth wrestling with Him together even when what i write may APPEAR bleak or down I know He will be with me thru it all HE DOESNT LEAVE!!! Wonder where Ai got that from???? praying for you as well friend!!!


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