Be Still and Know

Just what is the ending of that statement there????/ Ah yes it is a Scripture passage i think its *that I AM GOD* Very cool verse especially so consdiering that God declares His name to be I AM No wonder the pharisees sadducees and scribes all erupted in a fury at Jesus when He said *truly i say unto you before Abraham was born I AM* WOW!!!! Jesus declared He was God!!! I can hear paris hilton reading this when she was in jail and saying *thats hot!!* ummmmmmmmmm ok maybe not it was a fun lil snicker though :)

God has done good things over the last few years I mean He is always doing good things sometimes its hard to see it especially when focus is on non-eternal things. I have a kindling of desire to really seek to let Him move in me in a way i have feared or hid frfom for whatever reason and still i find myself getting caught up in same habits patterns and sabotages on myself so much of the time. I find ways in which He gives me ideas and thoughts that are so positive to do and be active for Him and then i let an old pattern of thought or feeling block it out. i dont want to lig around the *fear* anymore and however i labeled it and yet i seem to keep it likes its something i just cant part with. I want to let go of obstacles to growing i have from past hurts and wounds and thought my mind clearly grasps the realization of how i can change and move on my emotions and will seem immune to that whole process.

I guess i am haunted inside by makingso many wrong choices for so long due to immaturity and recklessness. i have spoken of my emotional pain i experienced in jr high and high school and especially in relating to girls, i always found fantasy an outlet. Even as a younger kid fantasy and the release that comes with it was a tension and stress reliever as i know it is for many.. My problem has been I turned to it way beyond age appropriateness and it became an addictive thing that impacted my life in serious ways that influenced why im in the job i am now . i had hoped to be a associate minister or christian counselor either/or. I was very highly commended on a skilled abiltiy by psychologists i had in jr college. I was on my way to pursuing my dream and yet I turned to my addiction when i felt under stress. i was actively involvrd in church in ministry in seeking God being in a leadership group in a small group seeking spiritual growth. I still chose to give in to the addiction and as one of my senior professors told me sex problems are death to a career in ministry. Just to be clear my action was making calls to a phone sex line while serving as a youth minister. I say this openly because I want anyone who may be in a similar situation to be encouraged God can still bring you through. i say it because I want to show I am one who does actively want to seek God and follow jesus yet has issues that mess me up. I have made allusions to this before i have been impacted by some others who have openly shared very personal battles with true courage and grace. part of me shares this because it just pains me that I let this be such a failing and one that hurt me in so may ways.

I would love to be involved in something else jobwise. I have been told alot i have a great voice for radio My mom and niece have a running joke with me about my *sexy voice* i have on my voicenail lol grrrrrrrrrrr crazy thing is a lady from church called me once and as she left a message she said * ooooo what a sexy voice* blush lol just more fodder for mom and niece lol Anyway radio would be wonderful some kind of counseling would be great even possibly going and dong something in an iron curtain country as some form of ministry. I work as a mail clerk its ok but it requires no skill i have been there now 15 years. i have had many make comments about being a *lifer* and how come i am 46 and still in a mailroom??? I really didnt want to say the true reasons why and havent except to a chosen few. Im not seeking to have a pity party here i am just laying real live struggles and real live issues i have had and still have in the midst of wanting to follow jesus and be still and know He is God. I pray He uses anything i share to be of some use to others. I praise Him for how encouraging challenging and moving so many others are and wil continue to be to me. Help me to have Your direction in what i share God and to grow closer and stronger in relationship with You everyday!!!