Appearance Shouldnt Be Everything

To most this title would be all too obvious. At a deeper level though, i think an insidious message tries to sneak in and wind its way inside our collective unconscious. Media advertising and other things try to make appearance everything. I have shared plenty about my lifelong struggle with fear. Talking about my fear and my struggle with it is not a huge thing for me it is fairly comfortable because im seeking to lay myself open and accept encouragement and exhortation. There is another issue though and it is tied in so much to appearance.

When I was in my last year of Bible College i began a counseling relationship with one of my professors. He was a very compassionate man and very insightful. After about a year of seeing hium, he told me something that really hit me when he said it. He said that for me my deepest struggle and hardest obstacle was not my fear of death but my fear of women and of romantic relationship. WOW!!!!! That surprised me at first but as i thought about it, began to make more and more sense. As a kid i was a cute kid justask my mom LOL i was a quintessential german wunderkind with blonde hair and blue/gray eyes. My hair was very curly though the kind of curly that made old ladies pinch my cheek and say *oh look at that beautiful curly hair* (im SERIOUS they REALLY DID!) I was cute and was muscular and thin although clumsy because i was tall and had flat feet which may have affected my run for some reason i waddles when i ran go figure!!

I have stated a few times the 2 worst years of my life 13 and 14 7th and 8th grade. I was at the age when you very first start to notice girls as someone to be attracted to, and i was plastered with acne. Almost all the girls at school or on my block and even any i just came across wherever i went seemed to me to just be repulsed by my acne and that is all they saw, I was a bit quiet and shy even before this happened but once i felt the rejection from my appearance it just intensified it that much more. i had a very immature ability to relate to girls due to this as far as any kind of romantic or relational attachment goes. i have always been able to be a very good friend. When i went to jr college i actually looked pretty decent and felt good appearancewise but even when i recieved attention or any kind of affectionate interest from girls inside i was just bewildered and didnt know what to do. i had a girl who got my phone mumber from the attendance sheet at our PE class lol and she actuallyasked me out wow too funny but it didnt last long.

The day I went to the Bible College i was planning on attending to get a tour and closer look at it, i went and had lunch while waiting for the afternoon session to begin. No one came up and talked to me, not one, i know that college students, even christians are not necessarily focused on just going up to strangers and talking. i just felt a lil rejected,and the demons from jr high roared again inside. I did not really date in Bible College oh i had a few here and there but again my mind was too filled with fear of rejection to just relax and show my true self. later on after Bible College i tried to use dating services but every one i met seemed to click. By this time i had become a lil overweight and it affected things im sure. My desire to have a gf has always been there but has been far exceeded by my insecurities and immaturity in relating at that level and thus the retreat into fantasy as a way to experince a kind of connection at a physical/romantic level.

I think my reason for posting this is because I still feel the pain inside from jr high even though it was all those years ago. I still feel so lacking in being able to be a man that will be able to attract a girl and form a lifelong partnership with. it is hard to write about for a few reasons. First i dont want to come across like Im seeking to be a victim and garner sympathy as well as not want men to read and think 8what a weak chump* or for women to read and think red flag danger danger will robinson. I am so thankful for all who come here and comment especially for those who i have gotten to know and form a friendship with as well as those with whom there is a form of connection . I praise God for all of you and for your own sharings i see on your pages or in your comments. I just felt challenged inside and to share this that really is the deepest of my fears. My counselor told me he hoped i would get married one day by a women who would be able to see past the insecure lil boy to the man wanting to shine out and be an aggressive woamn who would help me make the move i needed to. Well......... time will tell!!!

A side note thank you soooooooooooooo very much to all who have read and commented on my moms post!!!! She appreciates it so deeply and she will share her other parts of her story as she feels led. i told her no rush lol and i am so hapopy to be able to have her share on here. Maybe my sister might drop in as well might give her a lil nudge lol Hope all have a wonderful weekend thanks for the prayers and encouragement!!