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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Girls girls girls

Have to add on some more about my truly deepest fear here relating to girls. I do remember being called cute by older girls on my block in New Jersey as well as cousins i had. I have a memory of one time someone coming to our house for some reason a girl in my class i think it was first grade,was there with her father and she said something to me and was lookingat me I just got red and tried to hide in embarrassment. I have always been one who is easily embarrassed and turns beet red so easy. I dont know why just is how i react. I have been very bright in some ways, learned to read quickly, great speller,picked up on humor and wit quickly but some things I have been naive and gullible about.

I took a long time to really *get* the things girls go through reproductively and such. My mom could share a very funny story of how i had a totally weird idea of how babies came out. I remember in 4th grade a girl asked me about a period..... I honestly didnt know what it was other than a part of grammar. I had lots of older kids on my block who filled my head with wild stories but i didnt catch on till later about what it all meant. I was always able to joke and be funny with girls but anytime it came to being liked or liking them i froze and my insides and inner voices just overwhelmed me. I was raised largely by females as my dad died when i was 8 and i also had mainly female teachers in school and our relatives had females who stood out for to me than the male ones for the most part. I think there were a lot of positives i got in being caring compassionate and a good listener from all the wome4n i grew up around but not having a father there or a strong male role model Im sure contributed to my emotional immaturity in other areas just the way it was.

I tried to get married a few years back. There was a girl i met via the phone. She had been married and had 4 kids her husband had been killed. Honestly it was not a good match for many reasons I wont fully go into here my mom can verify this lol I just wanted to see if i could make it work. She moved out here with 3 of her kids and we shared an apt. Her kids were challenges to say the least. I really tried to be a good role model and love them as best i could but it was extremely tough. The reality it was not meant to be soon showed and she moved back to Iowa. I have had little involvement with dating since. I hope as shaz so beautifully commented(btw shaz you and your man are so awesome to read and discover it sure was a God thing for you both) that sometime i will meet a strong woman who can see past the outer shell into the full person inside and that i can fully share all that is really inside. it is true though that perhaps all are not meant for marriage. If that were so i really really wish God had made me like Spock and have no realization of the wonder of sexuality LOL This blog has been a real source of growing for me ans freedom to bare my soul. it is a joy to be able to have my mom come on here and share herself as well as see my interactions with people. I cant express how God has used so many of you to help me in ways you may never know. I pray hopefully i can be used by Him to be that for any who may read my words and be touched by them. Thank you again all who come by even if you dont comment your presence is a blessing. Cant wait to meet you all in heaven eventually!!!


At 4:39 PM, Blogger Barbara (aka Layla) said...

Boys, boys, boys.

At 9:51 PM, Blogger Shaz said...

I truly believe what I said and Im sorry, but I THANK YOU for being you and sharing yourself and thoughts they always hit a spot with me.


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