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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, September 24, 2007

healing takes time

I want to try something a lil different on here soon. I want to post stories that convey actual events and feelings but done as tholugh written as a drama or play. To give more impact to the actual occurrences . i hope it works as i picture it in my mind. We all suffer from the *sins of the fathers* Adam and Eve, and their children sure did a number on us didnt they?? Of course we all have done the number on ourselves. We all have experiences from our childhoods that affect us deeply. Some even way into their 70's and even 80's. Emotional pain runs so deep. My mom was a psych nurse and worked in a hospital as the psych supervisor alongside Drs Townsend and Cloud. Look back in my archives for a post she made about working with them. She sat in on group therapy and i will never forget her telling me of a woman who had been raised in a satanic cult and had been forced to eat a human heart. Makes my skin crawl to even mention it. I wonder how that woman could EVER recover?? So many pains hurts abuses happening all the time. If God were not real i think we would have destroyed ourselves and our planet by now.

I dont know how my struggle with fear really began. I know my grandma was a fearful personality. I am sure she instilled some of the fearful attitude in me, nit saying this to blame or be a victim just as plain matter of fact. i wish i had clearer memories of the times spent in her room at night,as i watched tv with her and listened to stories she told. She had a huge Catholic Biblem the kind most families have as a centerpiece on their livingroom table. Filled with vivid photos of Jesus and His carrying the cross to Calvary. I wish i could recall some of the things she told me about as i used to look at that Bible. i know my grandma loved me very much even though life had not turned out the best for her. I wonder where her inner demons came from???

Fear is so elusive. Some fears you can get a grip on and just see it dissolve. Fear of heights,of flying,of spiders,of public speaking. How do you dissolve fear of death??? Can't do it and come back and say*tada licked that one now* God is the One who makes it go away. So the penundrum is *yes i like using 50 cent words* lol why does God not remove the fear or am i not exercising enough faith am i not loving God enough am i not seeking him with all my heart????? If i am nakedly honest here i have to say yes to those queries. Why do i not???/ Many reasons. What is the answer???? Do not all of us struggle with this every day of our life??? We know what it means to believe in and trust in Jesus its the actual living it out thats the toughie. Dont we chase our tails alot trying to get it right??? Wanting to surrender our lives and live as Jesus calls us too??? I hear a crescendo of Amens!!!!

I want to come back alot more to this because its been one of the most hardest areas to face everyday. Hope it ruminates and mariantes alot so i can share more and deeper at a heart level. Hope i hear from any who wish to share as well. Thank You God You are real!!!


At 8:09 PM, Blogger karen said...

Your words about wondering what the inner demons were of those who caused us heartache are right on.

Hurting people hurt people.

God picks up the pieces. . .

At 8:46 PM, Blogger Smitty said...

Interesting that I should read this post today. I had a conversation today with an 8 year old boy who is afraid of death. I think he is actually more afraid of the ways people die rather then what happens after they die. I thought of that conversation as I read your post. It was interesting to talk to him and see death from his perspective.

Fear is something that occurs in everyone at some level...even 8 year old little boys. I know in my heart that God doesn't want me to be afraid of the unknown, nor does He want you to be afraid of death, but it's there and I don't know how to make it go away.

I wonder if part of the question for people like us is: Do we really want it to go away?


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