Knowing God

A very good book with that title has been around quite awhile. Actually contains the basis for what life is all about knowing God and how to have relationship with Him. Seems so simple as you read those words, yet for some reason it becomes a very complex and entangled thing so much of the time. I tend to be very hard on myself, as a few friends have noted, but to me its the only way i know how to be. I can be as gracious,forgiving and merciful to anyone else as can possibly be but its an entirely different story when it comes to myself. A friend told me i may have a kind of reverse pride thing happening. Feeling like Im too bad for God, which when i say it out loud or type it sounds ludicrous, especially thinking about Jesus dying on the cross for ALL sins. For some reason inside myself i get this idea/feeling im just too bad because of my fears,passiveness and disobedience.

I think my fear hinges on a misconception emotionally about God. Because my dad died so young and it came as a sudden thing i think emotionally i let that affect how I saw God and that He could use disease sickness and pain to affect our lives and was to be avoided. Alot of the verses in Scripture cause to reinforce the fear of Him by pointing out His anger and wrath at disobedience and lack of faith. I know the emphasis on His unconditional love and acceptance as well as His grace, but a big internal part of me feels like He has limits to those and i just dont know where those limits are but i feel like i test them and even push past them. Once again this is not logical but feeling/experiential based.

I posted my last piece because they are the 2 areas that hamper me the most in living. I wonder at times about if what i write has any merit at times or if it bores people due to being a rehash often but i have had some wise friends reassure me its not and can be encouraging to others so here i am. I think a third thing that hinders me so much is my tendency to be immobilized by these struggles and to let deja vu happen all over again. The fear hits i freeze inside if not physically as well, it passes but i have it alwaysa as a lurking presence close by. I mean there are lots of times where i have no sense of the fear but when a pain feels odd or anxiety strikes og man does it rush back in like a cyclone!!!! Is that a normal occurrence??? Can fear be completely evaporated in this life??? Are we as Jesus followers to always nonstop experience a an abiding feeling of Him with us???

With sex I am caught by fantasy. I know its a very common thing as well shared by many, even other believers. i developed this as a means to cope with my failure to develop a regular romantic relationship with a female and wanting to experience the affection and pleasure that can only be had with her. I would never carry out the activities in r/l as i do in fantasy life lol Im sure most wouldnt. By doing this for as long as i have it has become an entrenched pattern and inhibits the natural responses to dating and relationship. I am quite capable of being a very giving,caring,fun loving man to a woman but my imagined fears as well as the many rejections i have gone through based only on looks has reinforced holding onto the fantasy life. There affection sensuality and fun are in myriad supply with girls who have experienced what i have and seek solace in the same way for similar reasons.

i spend so much time thinking about and wanting to grow more in my living the life Jesus calls me to. Yet i have all this junk that swarms around me like glue and gets in the way of what I want to pursue and am called to pursue. i have alot of good things God has gifted me with and allowed me to do. If i were to meet you in person you might be very shocked to see how i am as opposed to what i say on here because i tend to superimpose all my inner conflicts on here. Sometimes i wonder if i am the same person who lives my life everyday as the one who writes on this blog LOL I just pray God helps me to know Him in the way He really is His love and grace and His discipline and helps to to repent of things i need to so i can be a more mature loving healthy person overall. All comments desired.