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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, December 10, 2007

letter to self at 13

I just read barbaras post as she did this from a meme she got from dawn at twisted sister it struck me deep as i read and so i just felt the need to do my own.

hey bob-

wow hard to believe you have been here in california for a year now. Just got back from a visit to New Jersey where you had spent almost your whole life. Been a very tough time even your old jersey friends couldnt help but notice the acne covering your face. Was good to to go back to jersey to escape for a bit but guess as they say you cant go home again. School sucks sitting in classes guy behind me kicks my chair almost nonstop nothing i can do really constant silent motions or mouthed words teasing and ridiculing me why do mirrors have to exist??? hate visual reminders of my face scarred with those ugly red pimples. I have weights at home and i use them I always had a strong muscular body too bad no girls can see anything other than this messed up face and shyness because of it.

I do have bright spots. I play sports with the guys and when we are playing the constant teasing ceases for a time. They know how strong i am but also that i am gentle-natured and dont like to fight. I have always had a good sense of humor even then tried to use it to deflect the taunts sometimes it worked. Sure did learn how to bury things sooooooo deep inside during this time. Wishing dad was here mom has it so hard. Trying to raise 2 kids in a high income area gone alot and my sister and i are so different in how we handle life. I lose myself in pro wrestling comic books and tv All my aggression gets played out by the wrestlers i even watch it in spanish though i dont understand spanish. Anger gets buried sooooooooooo deep Still all these years later have so much trouble even letting it be felt. No real awareness of God at this time. He is there He is in control but no understanding of a relationship with Him. Easiest thing to do is put on smile act strong act like all is ok things will eventually get better. I learned to be a good actor, even if i never projected very well. Somehow always maintained a soft caring heart, this grew and developed later on. Sure wish I could have found a way to teach you better coping skills for handling social shyness and feeling unwanted by girls. Definitely would have helped avoid some of the bad choices made later on. Acted so adult and grown up so often, guess it was a way to deny the pain and inability to really face what was going on and not being able to handle it. Sometimes still find it hard to remove the mask and actually handle the pain and hardships life brings. very tough to look back to you at 13 and see much good. very good to see you were able to get past it and grow into a man who has in many ways achieved things you never ever could have dreamed happening though and now look abck and realize you are not that 13 year old let him go dont feel trapped by the things that seemed to cling like a leech and try to choke life away from you. You have grown you will keep growing.

wish i had been better to you back then man. thanks for showing the changes Me

This was odd to do. Lots of emotion before i started it. Not sure how i feel about it right now. Anger. I have always sought to avoid it, bury it, keep it away. I dont like how it feels. i dont like expressing it. I dont know how to handle it right in so many ways. I mean yes i can handle it constructively when with a person or in a gropu, in a controlled environment. but to let it go and remove it from the junk i avoided all this time I dont know if thats possible let alone feasible or necessary??? Love to hear perspectives on this any and all. Thanks for reading. Thank you dawn and barbara for sharing yourselves at 13. You rock!!!


At 4:51 AM, Blogger Gypsy said...

My heart just breaks for 13 year old Robert and the cruelty and hurtfulness of the bullying you endured. It might be a good idea if you can find a way to express the anger you feel or it will always hold you back. I don't mean you have to have a full on hissy fit but find a constructive way to release it. It's not good for your soul to suppress these things Robert. Believe me I know this from experience.

I admire the fact that you have turned out to be such a sweet and kind gentleman when you could have become someone quite different in the face of what you suffered. That shows a lot of character and courage and you should be proud of who you are.

At 9:12 AM, Blogger Dawn said...

Robert, I know this meme is difficult... hence the age 13. What age could be worse than that? And your right... we think we're coping and have put so much behind us and then we start writing and it all comes flooding back. I'm sure it must be good therapy!
I think you wrote with a lot of emotion and I could sense the 13 year old that still lives inside of you.
Thanks for sharing :)))


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