wrestling

Seeking to process things. It is incredible all the different journies God has every single living soul traveling all at once,and how so many crisscross,interact and intertwine with each others. Of course majority may never experience each other but our souls remain deeply connected ultimately at the core of this existence we all share. So weord to step back and try to look at and see as an observer the storyline of life as Im living it. We all face the results of sin having diseased the world, whether we believe it or not. God shows His grandness in the freedom He grants us in living out our lives,letting us make choices and continually those choices may be diamettrically opposed to His will and desire but He allows and loves us just the same. Why is it seemingly so much easier to talk about how perfectly loving and genuine God is and in His realtionship to us than it is to feel it and know it deep inside while actually living so much???

I read so many blogs, people are awesome, no matter what they may call their blog, it is simply jawdropping at times to see the creativity,caring,depth of insight.r0licking humor and ability to extend beyond themselves so many actually are able to do. Now of course there is the flipside that shows the darker sides of ourselves in scary ways and such but that also echoes the power we are given by God in His letting us be free and still loved by Him. I have been battling the fear boogeyman ever since i can recall,and thanks to the blogosphere have come across some fantastic people who have as well. I have implemented alot of different defense mechanisms in my imagination over the years, which somehow made sense as a kid or however. My mind truly believes the truth God reveals in His Word regarding fear life faith love and how He has provided us the answer in Jesus. My feelings dont just accept that truth so often and the battle rages on and on and on. Why do feelings seem to become the overriding determinant so often in actions I take??? I started to say we but thought hmmm no maybe for you feelings dont do that. As i said before I am an INFJ Feelings are a huge measure for me of how i process life and living it making choices taking actions.

God is love. Plain and simple. As i write that a swarm of thoughts bounce like pinballs in my brain. Of course He is love, yes He is love and it makes everything make sense, how can He be love look at all the pain going on,maybe He is love but sure doesnt make it easy to know it and so forth. God is and He forces us to choose. Force Choice look in my archives for posts i made on these 2 areas. They seem to collide and impact life all the time. Even if we try to sit in the bleachers of life and let all the whirlwind pass us by we still are forced to choose. Life impacts us no matter if we try to hide from it,avoid it,fight it or stay still. Just the way it is.

I am seeking to take action in my wrestling with God and seeking Him to let me overcome fear. I have spoken of my idea called *risking openness* on here, wellIm trusting God to be behind me in a ministry i am launching soon called that very name. I am going to seek to begin a group which takes anyone who wants to meet and risk sharing our lives, emotionally,relationally and spiritually to share the parts of ourselves that usually dont get shared on sunday mornings. I am scared, but i see it as a step of faith and courage God is challenging me too. I think to myself lots of times, *who am I God to attempt this especially with all the junk I have been through and so much i still struggle with* and an answer always tends to bring my mind to Moses,Abraham,rahab the harlot, and jonah even. Why not me??? Isnt God able to use anyone to accomplish His purposes??/ So i am going to lay this before Him and hope and pray it is a choice that is used to honor and serve HIm and deepen our lives together in trusting and loving Him and one another.

Please anytime if it comes to mind pray that this will be used of God. I praise Him and thank Him He has used so many of you to help me to come to this place where i can actually willingly take this on. Thank you Don, just read garys post before writing this, i just thank Don for his witness that has impacted so many lives and has mine by reading his words and hearing of his life may he be resting and enjoying the greatness of God and Jesus in the very way he demonstrates what it will be by his actions once he is moved to eternity!!!