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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Fear Factor

What a crazy show!!!! I don't know what was the worst-eating the utterly disgusting ,gross things they had to eat or the wild and crazy stuf they had to let crawl all over their bodies.Anyway, I am wondering about another factor in dealing with fear- what causes it and keeps it lingering???

I wonder if we can ever remember the very first time we felt fear???? I can't recall any specifics at a very early age, other then being afraid of a spanking after doing something bad lol. I know i saw the movie, * Dr Terrors House of Horrors* at a drive-in when i was 6 or 7. It was a movie of a few different stories blended into one. The one story had this hand that somehow acted like it was alive and it attacked people, killing then. A very tame movie really but for this hyperimaginative kid it was really scary!!! Hearing about Charles Manson was scary,as were hearing about the riots and the killings of bobby kennedy and martin luther king jr. My family went to see the train carrying bobby kennedys body go by in jersey. I still am amazed recalling how many people came out to see that.

Having my father die is of course,for me,the strongest determinant for my fear. Because i had no warning, and that he died so young, affects my thinking and emotions, as well as wonderings about God and all that is involved in life death and eternity. I had never experienced death personally before,let alone such a major figure in my life. I think unsaid thoughts and beliefs filled my mind as a way to deal with my questions and wonderings. I think i felt somehow responsible. I wondered if my mom and grandma would be taken next. Maybe my lil sister or even myself. How did cancer happen and what let death happen??? Where was God during it all??? How would God help us now???

I let my fear be this one big focus- death-keep it away-don't want it to happen. See this is very much a childs approach and a major part of me stayed stuck there long after getting older, at least when coming to grips with this area. I came to learn so much to answer my questions but my emotional core has still struggled and hurt very deeply. He is with me always and nothing can separate me from His love in Christ,especially not death. I still have struggled to latch onto that fact and truth, feeling the fear of all the physical pain involved in my body dying as well as the emotional pain of feeling weak and helpless due to having the fear. I have prayed without ceasing it seems for God to remove this fear and I swing back and forth between wondering if He has chosen not to or if i for some reason just don't know how to let it go. if the fear went away how would I be changed??? That is a subject for another post. Hope to hear thoughts and experiences anyone has had themselves in facing fear as a factor.

2 Comments:

At 3:16 PM, Blogger becky said...

Having my father die is of course,for me,the strongest determinant for my fear. Because i had no warning, and that he died so young, affects my thinking and emotions, as well as wonderings about God and all that is involved in life death and eternity.

this is so true with the loss of a parent. My first memory of fear is actually pre-verbal--I remember the feeling only but no memory. It is very similar to a panic attack. It was when my mom became ill and I was in a sense abandoned.

understanding tragic death and dying has a been a soul search for me with God.

becky

 
At 12:09 PM, Blogger Milly said...

I’ve seen that hand movie and it is freaky.

I had tons of fears growing up also. I guess realizing that I was going to be ok and having God with me helped to calm them.

When I realized that my marriage was doomed I had panic attacks but when I decided to end it I felt a bit of power and calmness because I knew I could live on and for the better.

I’ll pray that you can find for the better also.

 

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