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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Long and Winding Road

O yes Beatles fans indeed it is!!!! Im a Paul guy btw, (sorry layla, but johns cool too) Just was an apropos title to this post. I just got done reading a post over at *the carnival inside my head* kathy escobar's place. She has such a great way of getting down to the nitty-gritty so quickly. Assumuing. Never does anyone any good. Only makes asses out of us if we do, but we do it alot nonetheless.

Assuming is really tough when you do it to yourself as well. Assuming you should know this and that about various things. Assuming you should be at a certain rate of proficiency for a specific skill or activity for the age you are or iq level you have. Assume you should have a certain mastery of life and social skills as well as other necessities of life and the living of it. I know i have deficiencies in certain areas due to not having a dad to teach me as father do their sons. I know my mom taught me a great many things but some things just were not on her radar i'm sure.

I got the book *The Highly Sensitive Person* for my bday and i think it will be a very enlightening book. I think I have always fit into the category of the highly sensitive person and this may give understanding to why i reacted and felt as i did about different events that happened over the course of life. I know loud noises have always been a huge problem for me, especially when i was a kid. I had multiple earaches as a kid and they caused much pain. i got some relief once i had my tonsils out but the damage had been done. I had to leave a carnival area once because the music was too loud. I got disoriented and felt panicked when anchoring a tug of war in i believe 4th or 5th grade because everyone began screaming and it just was too much for me at the time. I have always had the self-talk as well. I know we all talk to ourselves in our minds but my self-talk just goes on cruise control lol . When I would make appointments with my ministers to talk with them for help on something, i would have a running dialogue so strong inb my head i could hardly concentrate on what they were saying.

I talked to God as i worked today, which i try to do pretty often. Running mail doesn't require much thought imagine that??? :) I told Him i wanted to move past my fear and how it just blocks me so often. i started thinking about going past the fear, to actually having the event happen that i was afraid of happening- dying and the act of it, whether it be heart attack stroke or whatever. I usually get to messed up to keep going here and make myself change thoughts. I didn't though, and just tried to think and feel that God would be there with me the whole time, no matter how bad it felt. I wanted to find the way to be able to relax and just believe and trust He would be there giving me His love and grace and not a look of anger or disappoinment or even worse just not really even be there at all. My emotional core struggles with all of this in relating to God. But i guess in all honesty my mind does to some extent as well, for thoughts and emotions are closely linked. A whole thought process of why do i have these ideas/feelings of God being real but absent, distant,punishing,angry come from??? The whole idea of being given what i deserved and for violating my conscience so many times. Right and wrong and having done what wa wrong. This whole scenario played out in my head in such a quick time. It just really spoke to me though of the separation between law and grace. The law is unbending, just the way it is. Grace is unlimited, just the way it is.

I have more i want to lay out in times ahead, much like my narrative of my life. Please tell me if you relate to any of this, or if i sound like i need to be 5150 well maybe not that but you know *grins* I do feel a bit of a relief and release inside myself more and more like the loosening of a tightly held bottletop. Hmmmmm sure hope i experience THAT a lil more as time marches on!!!


At 4:48 AM, Blogger becky said...

A whole thought process of why do i have these ideas/feelings of God being real but absent, distant,punishing,angry come from???

that is a really good question. how did we learn that?

At 1:41 PM, Blogger Milly said...

Just found you in the little blogging world. I'm enjoying the words. Keep it up.

At 3:25 PM, Blogger Robert said...

hey becky- I think we get it from a lot of places. Unexpressed emotions and painful events that cause us to question, as well as reactions we see hear and feel from people,especially authority figures as to what God is like. Very good to hear from you

milly- hey there i have seen you on barbara/laylas blog always so cool to meet new friends in the lil blogging world. I enjoy your words as well always leave thoughtful commenmts when i come across you :)


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