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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Torn

I still want to be humpty, laying all in pieces and knowing only God can put me back together as i need to be. The title of this post is the other side,which for some unexplicable reason fights Him doing just that all along the way. I have stuff I hate to think about writing on here, I have stuff i feel I need to write on here no matter that i hate it. I am heartened deeply by gracious people who share some of themselves and that my sharing has meaning to them.

Torn. My life overall is so good and has been as I reflect on it and yet I have so much I ache and hurt over, as do all of us. I have some decisions I made that were good,well-informed and wise. I have others that were selfish,misguided and wreckless. I want a heart that seeks to be pursuing God with everything in me. I have a heart that continually finds ways to stray and wander off into my own lil desires that are in conflict with Gods will and purpose. I can see Him at work in the midst of chaos,pain and duress. I can get caught up in doubt,despair,self=pity and heart-wrenching questioning of why people suffer in so many ways and how it all can maintain Gods character and nature of being love,grace,holiness.

I had an atheist roommate once say i was the best example of a christian he knew. I have always been humbled so much by that. I was always myself with him, never tried to be the *perfect christian* and all that entails. I had lots of people around me who were christians say how they could see him saying that about me. I know and have always known all to well my many flaws. I have felt the deep sting of shame,guilt and regret after falling down due to certain sins I had committed. I had believed at one point in time i was above falling into certain areas of sin. I believed i should have been able to resist and flee before giving in to the temptation. I ended up giving into the same area of temptation in an addictive way. I at the same time was seeking to turn to God and be His servant as best i could. Torn.

I have been torn in that I have had so much swirling inside over the years,times of growing as well as falling. Times of feeling I was just stuck and then sinking in quicksand as well as feeling I was learning and being strengthened by these same struggles. I was not wanting to live a double-life but in a lot of ways I could be seen as doing that at times when indulging in these certain areas as they would have been devastating had they been publicly known, and ended up having that impact once I had to confront them and the consequences.

I am working my way through here on these posts. I want to share in a way that is redemptive,healing,uplifting and challenging. I don't want to be lurid,sensationalistic or tabloidish in any way shape or form. I want to be raw in sharing I want to gain that deeper intimacy with Jesus paul speaks of in Philiipians. Yet i want to be raw in sharing how very frail i am and how long a ways i have to go in getting there. Thank you all who read,share,encourage,exhort,rebuke and just sit alongside. Torn.

2 Comments:

At 2:24 AM, Blogger Robyn said...

Not really sure what to type...I am needing some time to digest all of this. Hmmm...'the perfect christian'? uh...I wonder if there really anyone who is 'perfect'?! I am easy to tread there but unless they wore the 'crown of thorns' I doubt there is a perfect christian. I for one am FAR from it!
Hugs,
Robyn

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger Scot said...

Robert,

I too feel torn by the flesh side of me that I am unwilling to bring into the light for all to see. I know the Father has forgiven me, yet I continue to commit the same sins that I have repeatedly asked forgiveness, which always brings me back to a deep self- evaluation to determine what condition is my "heart" in, and how have I not guarded it. Which, leads me to how can I better guard it.

Robert, God has blessed you with a heart that deep down desires only Him. I Thank God for allowing your eyes to see that God is continually refining you through the consuming fire of the Holy Spirit.

I read this post,

http://gracehead.com/index.php/2008/07/28/my_mind_is_perverted

and it helped me, and maybe you will find it helpful.

You will be in my prayers, and may God continue to richly bless you.

 

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