Love the best and the worst

Love very well could be the most controversial word in existence, no matter the language. Can be so very overused and so seldom ever spoken. Love can be poured out in heaping amounts, it can be locked up and witheld, or at least the intention is to keep it from being shown. Nothing can move us and shake us to the very depths of our soul quite like love.

God is love. He says that about Himself in His own Book. He is love, He is good. Nothing bad can come from Him. Every descriptive term used to reveal His character and nature declare these things to be absolutely true. Why then do so many find it so hard to believe this about Him?? Why do so many experience Him as being anything but love?? Logically speaking, whatever the causes, the truth about Him and the reality of Him being love remains solid, despite experiential happenings to the contrary. As fallen humans we do have a skewered understanding of Him and all reality by the self-centered focus which is in our hearts. God is the One, not us. Even the holiest and most humble of all saints still has the embers of self supremacy lurking deep within.

My struggle with fear of death reflects this in me. Yes i have good reason to mourn losing my father at an early age and to have all the issues surrounding such a loss. Somehow I let reality become tainted in my desire to avoid the pain and loss of death. God alone has the power to control death and when it happens. We may seek to take that power by using viloent means to kill, whether it be others or ourselves. Ultimately God decides when death happens though. I struggle so much with my fear because i have tried crazy things to escape and avoid death. No matter what i attempt, just like jonah, God will be there and He will be in control. I think i have made my fear far worse by believing His love for me was blocked somehow because of my fear and my ways of acting out my fear. Anything that causes a rift or separation from God is equivalent to death. I think my fear has gotten more severe at times by letting this idea of separation become fixed in my head. Remarkably, God is far greater than my insanity and self abasement and He keeps loving me always.even when i seemingly cannot feel or recognize it.

Romans tells us nothing can separate us from the love of God in Jesus Christ our Lord!!!! I mean that is GOOD NEWS!!!! It doesn't matter WHAT it is Gods love in Jesus Christ will be given to us always!!!! I want to let my fear be melted away by Him, His love grace and mercy, realizing and believing He knows how and why as a lil kid who experienced a painful loss that i reacted in a very scared fashion. i feel the emotion right now typing this. I carry such shame and pain over having this fear and feeling like I should not. Please help me God to let You wash away the sting of my own lack of grace and love to myself that You so badly give to me and want me to embrace. Help me to truly deeply realize genuine humility and grace that goes to my deepest place, where Your love wants to flow like a waterfall!!!!