Various Thoughts

My mom wrote me a letter talking about my dad, how they met, what their relationship was like and what kind of a person he was. I loved reading it, it painted such a great and vivid picture of what their relationship was like and how our family was. It hit me so deeply when i saw that he had malignant cancer even before getting married. Amazing that that they could brave that reality with all the pain that was sure to happen. Love did conquer fear and despair there!!! He had several surgeries to remove cancer in various body spots. His lung, chin,hip. He dealt with all of them, the pain and recovery time, even made sure we took a family vacation together to have a special time before he got more seriously ill. I know i have idealized my father but reading my moms account of him just hit me so hard. He was such a brave strong man!!!! Shortly after getting back from the vacation he had some pain and was looked at. The drs said the cancer had spread everywhere!!!! They basically told my mom he didnt have much longer to live. He planned his funeral, a cop funeral. He made sure he let her know how much he loved her and my sister and me. He fell into a coma but right before he died he opened his eyes and looked at my mom who was right there by his side and said * i love you* he then died soon after.

I just cried so hard after finishing the letter. Because of seeing his pain and dying so young and suffering for most of his adult life. I cried at my moms having lost her love of her life so young. i cried for my sister losing her daddy at only 5 years old. I cried for myself and in anger at myself. I have lived with fear most of my life and have never come close to what my dad went through. Death has so much to teach us, but i have had this crazy image of it as being some kind of invisible force ready to strike when im least expecting it. Despite my faith and knowledge of how it has been defeated and that we all must face it. i have kept the struggle with this fear. I think i cried at feeling ashamed over my weakness. Embarrassed at how I have dealt with it for so long. I cry now. I didnt want to be caught up in fear i dont want to be a weak coward. i dont want to be a disappoinment to my dad as he looks down at how i grew up and lived. I cry because i feel that way. i cry because i feel I have blown so much. i cry because I have so much of a gap between my head and heart and between theory/experience in so many things. I cry.