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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Various Thoughts

My mom wrote me a letter talking about my dad, how they met, what their relationship was like and what kind of a person he was. I loved reading it, it painted such a great and vivid picture of what their relationship was like and how our family was. It hit me so deeply when i saw that he had malignant cancer even before getting married. Amazing that that they could brave that reality with all the pain that was sure to happen. Love did conquer fear and despair there!!! He had several surgeries to remove cancer in various body spots. His lung, chin,hip. He dealt with all of them, the pain and recovery time, even made sure we took a family vacation together to have a special time before he got more seriously ill. I know i have idealized my father but reading my moms account of him just hit me so hard. He was such a brave strong man!!!! Shortly after getting back from the vacation he had some pain and was looked at. The drs said the cancer had spread everywhere!!!! They basically told my mom he didnt have much longer to live. He planned his funeral, a cop funeral. He made sure he let her know how much he loved her and my sister and me. He fell into a coma but right before he died he opened his eyes and looked at my mom who was right there by his side and said * i love you* he then died soon after.

I just cried so hard after finishing the letter. Because of seeing his pain and dying so young and suffering for most of his adult life. I cried at my moms having lost her love of her life so young. i cried for my sister losing her daddy at only 5 years old. I cried for myself and in anger at myself. I have lived with fear most of my life and have never come close to what my dad went through. Death has so much to teach us, but i have had this crazy image of it as being some kind of invisible force ready to strike when im least expecting it. Despite my faith and knowledge of how it has been defeated and that we all must face it. i have kept the struggle with this fear. I think i cried at feeling ashamed over my weakness. Embarrassed at how I have dealt with it for so long. I cry now. I didnt want to be caught up in fear i dont want to be a weak coward. i dont want to be a disappoinment to my dad as he looks down at how i grew up and lived. I cry because i feel that way. i cry because i feel I have blown so much. i cry because I have so much of a gap between my head and heart and between theory/experience in so many things. I cry.

6 Comments:

At 2:49 AM, Blogger Gypsy said...

I've just been catching up on all your posts Robert and my heart goes out to you with your inner struggles. I have sometimes wondered if you ever received any kind of counselling during your childhood or even adult years to try and help you deal with this fear you have locked inside you.


I know you have a great deal of faith but I also hear your struggles with that and wonder if the two things have been counter productive to each other. Maybe if you concentrated on your fears first and leave your questions about God to one side for a time, it might help you to give your whole focus to one thing at a time.


If you come to terms with one thing, maybe the other will fall into place for you.


I don't know if you have tried any of this before and I am certainly no professional but I see you suffering and it breaks my heart. I really want to see you making some progress because I fear you are wasting the best years of your life wondering if you will be taken from this life before your time. Do you see what I mean?


You are always in my thoughts Bobby Bear and I hope you find the answers you seek somehow, some day.

 
At 7:40 AM, Blogger Becky; said...

cry......and i'll well up w/you and so does He...

 
At 7:40 AM, Blogger Becky; said...

cry......and i'll well up w/you and so does He...

 
At 2:10 PM, Blogger Ne said...

I just cried right along with you!

Let it all out! Everything is going to work out for you Robert, you have G-d in your life! You had a wonderful account of your father and always keep it in your heart!!
Always Remember!!!


I am always here for you to vent if you need to!

Ne.

 
At 6:12 PM, Blogger Robert said...

gypsy- love your caring and inspiration sweet gypsy girl!! Reading the story just touched me deeply as i coulkd envision my father and what his life was like I have had a few small attempts at counseling. My problem is that I have sought to become a shrink myself and i know how to play the role so to speak instead of facing painful emotions and memories upfront. I don't want to be wasting life either my dear friend. I share so openly on here, as i know you do at your palce as well, so I can discover ways to grow and move on. I am always there for you as well you truly are a diamonds my oz friend

becky- crying on your shoulder. You have been encouraging and challenging and praying for me and I cant thank you enough!!! I thank God for you being a real friend and that you continue on enriched in the journey day by day!!!

ne- shalom ahavah my lovely sweet friend!!! I will vent to you anytime you know that lol Thank you for what you said about keeping the accoujnt of my father in my heart ne truly where it should be. Yes, God is here always is and He knows and feels my pain and hurt and feelings of shane along with me Thank you for being such a warm and caring soul ne you are the best!!!

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Milly said...

I love that you let us in on the letter. I think your dad is proud of you.

 

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