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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, November 15, 2008

My lil Craziness

I seem to go round and round with fear and its effects. I guess its how i interpret it and what i think i should be in regards to it. I have always idealized my dad, especially knowing how he had to live with cancer for so long, knowing he was terminal. He must have had times of fear but he kept them inside. I guess we all do mostly. I dont display my fear unless i become overwhelmed by feeling very anxious and like i have no escape. I dont know sometimes just how i end up where i do inside. I have the part of me that fully functions and understands whats going on *out there* and manages to carry on. Another part that dreams,imagines,seeks to be as loving as i can be as i am challenged to. And yet another part that probably has sub parts in it. Gets caught up in fears and worries, seeks to get lost in fantasy that blots out personal pain when involved in it, and just caught up wondering how to deal with the ways life acts like a pinball machine, bouncing ne around all over as i get hip by different flippers and bumpers.

My friend becky showed me a site that was very cool. Eebelution launched by teems seeking to follow Jesus in a bold way. They had a post saying young people should think about death but not fear death. Very good points they made on it. I get all twisted up inside over my whole struggle with acceptinmg death ever since i can recall. I sometimes dont know if i still fear it or if i feel like i have to because i just do. When i read articles, hear sermons or lessons, or talk to people i realize death need not be feared. But there has always been a difference between knowing and experiencing it hit me. The times when I feel death could happen are just scary. Isn't that natural though???? I mean, Jesus sweat blood He was so anxious about dying. Of course His death was the most agonizing death ever, but He was still humanly dealing with real feelings of fear. Did God comfort Him feeling wise as He prayed there in the garden???

I am sure i will have more on this, lol, seems to be a subject i just have to deal with, I have had a few friends tell me i am not crazy or a wacko in my ways i have dealt with my fears. They dont know how helpful and reassuring that is. I know i love hearing any *lil craziness* anyone chooses to share on there page. Makes it a small world after all.

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