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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Is God Mean?

I finally began to read the Shack again after quite awhile. I got to a part where the little girl whom the story is largely centered upon asks a very penetrating question to Mac, her father. I don't want to give away anything to those who haven't read it yet. She ponders the character and nature of God, at 6 years old. I found myself feeling emotion swell up inside and tears begin to stream down for I felt her reasoning as i read. I have tried to keep emotion fully under control and even buried alot, what i see as negative emotions anyway. I think it began as my own se;f-defense mechanism. Writing and sharing on here,interacting with various people via their comments or their own blogs, has helped me process things more. I don't have many conversations about death and how it happens with people really. I am sure there are a few reasons for that.

My dad got skin cancer when he was only 18. He suffered many surgeries,chemo and radiation treatments, and still ended up dying at 30 years old. I cannot recall ever hearing him complain or get deeply depressed over what happened to him. I am pretty sure he had his times where he did, and probably made sure to keep those moments away from his childrens sight. I do not remember much as i have said before, mainly lil snapshots of things we did together and times we spent at home or at relatives. i do recall he was a very lively and funloving man who had a big voice and made sure he let people know how he felt about them. His final words to my mom right before he died were that he loved her. Why do I think of Brian's Song when i type that???

All of us will experience death. We wil lose a close relative or friend at some point. I wonder where i fall on the continuum which tells how maturely you handle death- fail to handle it at all or handle it with seemingly no trouble. In relation to everyone else that is. I am moved deeply by focusing on Jesus dying for all of us in order to save us. I am in awe of how He, perfect and sinless, willingly and purposefully took on ALL the sins of every living person ever, and died a death that was excruciating and daunting, an utter lonely death where even God became cut off from Him as it happened. He did this for those who were His enemies,and He did it in love!!!!!

When I think and reflect I take in all this and it satisfies my mind and lets me understand about my dad, but ny heart doesn't. I still have a pain deep inside that wants to rail and grab God by the neck and yell WHY DID YOU LET THIS HAPPEN???!!!??? I would think all of us would have a similar response when it came to a loved one we lost. I know God did not plan for us to have to die and go through the suffering and pain we do in this life. He took a huge risk in creating us humans with freewill. He saw it as risk worth taking. I struggle still with ambivalence here. I want to be like Jesus and willingly accept death in the name of love. I want to have that level of love in me where i would do that. I don't have it yet. i have another part of me that wants to find a way to conquer death,pain and suffering by some discovery like penicillin or something. I want to make it all go away. i want to have God's power as far as that goes. This is all the ambivalence I'm talking about. i hope by the time i finish the Shack i will be closer to accepting Jesus call to die and to rejoice in all sufferings.

Where do you fall on that continuum of maturely handling death??? 1 being not at all and 10 being totally handle it??? Do you ever have conversations about it?? Curious to know. As far as my title of the post- I dont believe God is mean, although at times I may think so for a period of time. A mean God would never let His Son and ultimately Himself die in place of a creation who rebelled, rejected and resisted Him and His love over and over. I hope His love will continually overcome pain,fear,anger and unbelief as life happens.


At 7:09 PM, Blogger Milly said...

I know it’s hard to understand. One of my friends lost both parents at a very young age. She was blessed to have family to help raise her. You had a dad as brief as it was who loved you and your mom, my children’s dad doesn’t love me. You had a mom who loved you. God gives us so many wonderful things and we humans fall away and chase the wrong things, still His Son’s blood saves us.

Yes I’m one of those darn optimists you hear about. You can find the good in your life it’s in those lil snapshots. Take some time and look at how blessed you are to have had a man who loved you. As for the fear of death I can say that only when something bad is happening like almost being squished in a wreck do I have a moment of fear, I’m no help there.

At 7:35 PM, Blogger Robert said...

Milly- you make wonderful points and I do value and cherish the memories and truth of having had a father who loved me though briefly. I am more writing through my emotional struggle with fear of death here and seeking to hear about it from others. i sure do share yours about being squished by an oncoming car or other vehicle. Thanks for always sharing from your heart milly :)

At 6:40 AM, Blogger Becky said...

Robert.....He's not and while I know you know that I wonder at how many people know Him so little as to think that....How can we know He's not, how can we live in that knowing ?

At 7:31 PM, Blogger Gypsy said...

I think most people have a certain amount of fear about death. It's not something I dwell on but it is there in the back of my mind. Not so much about myself dying but the people closest to me. It tends to become a lot more prevalent in my mind if someone I know has recently passed away.

At 7:32 PM, Blogger Robert said...

becky- I so hope to learn more how to live in the knowing that He is always love and never mean,wrestling in it with you sister!!

Gypsy girl- did you get my email i sent you a week or so ago?? I agree with you the fear can be stimulated by losing a close relative or friend. Always so good anytime to hear from you sweet aussie friend!!!


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