observations

Wasn't sure what to tiitle this post. Thought of calling it *just another post* I find it hard to know just how to write for some reason. Usually I just write from my heart about things I am focused on or that have impacted my life. I guess i am just in a state of floating in a lot of ways now, wanting changes to continue and seeing things i want to do but not quite knowing how to get there. I had wanted to write a series of posts based on my characters of my fictional town burning embers but i don't know if i can get across what I had wanted to as i envisioned it in my mind.

I don't know why I get so stuck within myself so much. We all face life everyday and we all have different trials and tribulations, different victories and successes and all the rest that makes life life. I let my imagination and ideas about the past present and future just take hold and its like i am caught in a wave that just goes on and on and i can't break free. I have these notions of how I *should have* handled certain events in life that happened to me a certain way and must beat myself up for my lack of whatever it is I lacked at the time. I feel this inner pressure to be something, just what i am not sure but something, because of my yearning to be a minister, a helper and to be above and beyond my limitations which are largely self-imposed. I look back and am startled at how i was able to accomplish some of what i have recalling where i was and how i was for a time. My inner parent just loves to lay the smack down on me though in an unrelenting fashion.

I know at the root is still irrational beliefs of being hurt or having what i care about taken away. My rational mind knows better but deep down somewhere I feel like somehow someway I will lose who i care about and also something bad happen to me. I am pretty sure this is linked to my dad dying and my magical thinking response to it. I loved and cared about him with all my heart and he got taken away so of course anyone else i love and care about with all my heart, the same will happen. Obviously this hasn't been the case as my mom and sister are very much alive!!!! I just think that is the root because i felt emotions stir as i wrote it down. Maybe that is a key to my issue with anger as well. If i don't get angry or show anger then I won't make anyone want to go away. If i am always easygoing and friendly how could anyone want to leave me??? Those that didn't reject me because they didn't like my looks anyway.

I hope this makes sense. Just thinking out loud here. I do not think i am ugly now. I just still have scars from 7th-9th grade though that made me think/;feel that way long after my acne was gone and I did look alright. This is some stuff i had to share for now. Happy Thanksgiving to all!!!!