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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Let Pain Be

I was going to title this post Static but after reading kathy escobars blog and a post about pain I was motivated by what she said. I feel like i have relived my childhood and adolescence on this blog in many ways via the sharing I have done and the emotional flashbacks i have undergone.

It is so interesting the way everyone uniquely deals with pain. We naturally want to avoid it or dminish it, but some are able to handle it quite well, at least they appear too. I have tried to escape pain. Tried to be like Capt Kirk and outwit it, outfox,outthink outplay. It has been like pain was a killer or a psychopath and i needed to get away at all costs. Part of me has tried to keep it under control, knowing the right answers and right ways to deal with and handle it. Another part of me has just run in circles trying to find how to accept it as a reality but not be overwhelmed by it. I know so many people who have suffered far worse than anything I have come close to experiencing. I know that death, which to me is the ultimate pain, happens to us all. I have struggled with an obsession of it happening all of a sudden or as a surprise and so i somehow have had to always be *on the lookout* I think it was a reaction i came up with from my fathers death happening as a surprise to me. It is totally irrational but I have done it anyway,

I have added to my pain by beating myself up for fearing death and seeking to avoid pain as opposed to accepting and facing it maturely. A better way is to forgive myself and give grace and love to myself as I would to another person who was going through the same thing. My focus needs to be on God and Jesus and how They lead me to face all pain and hurt. This has been my lifelong battle. I tear myself apart because I want to be totally surrendered to God and seek Him with my whole being but at the sametime I am and have been so self-centered. Die to self, live to God. Doing this is my goal. handling pain in a way that guides me to do this is my pursuit.


At 6:59 AM, Blogger Becky said...

What if Robert it's about allowing Him to 'handle it' for you.....is He big enough to do that yet?? LOVE your processing and that we can wrestle with this stuff together. So wonder if in heaven we'll get to KEEP wrestling or...I don't know just loving sharing the journey with you.

At 4:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HEY STRANGER! If anyone knows about pain, I sure do. I'm on the mend and back into the blogging world. Check of "My Contemplations".

At 4:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know what a compassionate forgiving man you are Robert. I wonder why you won't share some of that goodness with yourself and let yourself be forgiven.


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