Step by Step

Had so much I wanted to write about for awhile and then it just all became a lil blurred for some reason. I guess praying certain kinds of prayers can be tough adjusting to when He takes them seriously. I am slowly working my way through *The Shack*. It really hits me at such a vulnerable place and I squirm for many reasons as it pokes and prods by the story being told.

Suffering seems to be no big deal for God really. He allows it,sometimes causes it, and He went through the absolute worst of it Himself. Suffering is a BIG DEAL to me, at least it has been. I squirm inside because of all the immaturity I know i still have inside me, let alone what i had across the years. It is like a double whammy because i know better in my mind about handling pain and suffering, but my emotions and my relational skills fall far behind what i know to be required in my head. Death happens to us all, just the way it is. For some reason I never just accepted that and have held way down deep this *magical thinking* idea that somehow I won't have to go through it. As I write that I can't believe the craziness that is actually arrogance to think I should somehow get a *avoid death free card* like in monopoly!!!! The root is that will God be with me and embrace me with His love and grace when my time to die occurs???

I am speaking emotionally and relationally here, which I experience differently than what i know and believe to be true. God has shown Himself in His Word, to people trhroughout history, to myself so many times and ways, that He IS love and He extends His grace. However there is this block from something that stays inside me and makes me feel that i somehow am not fully eligible to recieve that from Him. I get impressions this is due to my letting myself be weak and helpless emotionally so many times throughout life. it comes from hiding from reality when it felt overwhelming and too painful for me to handle so i retreated into fantasy of various kinds, especially in the sexual realm. It hits me because i have gone through so much and learned alot and grown in so many ways, yet here i am still caught in a web of my own inner turmoil as i seek to enbrace pain and suffering, to empty myself of myself and to attempt to share my life struggles as a way to serve Him and people.

Like a lot of my friends in blogland i hate to be a broken record talking on the same things over and over, but this is really the only place and the safest place to talk so openly and honestly about all this. I know its just a blog and not therapy but it sure can serve a very therapeutic purpose for me. On one hand i have areas i can see and feel growth has happened, but so many others where i feel the same brick wall hit again and again. My prayer is for God to lead me to get past the brick wall however that needs to happen. My biggest fear actually is my biggest hope- that i will die and God and Jesus will fully embrace me with love and acceptance, not rejecting me or telling me i disappointed and let Them down way too much to be welcomed in love by them.

I don't know how to fully understand the disconnect between what I know and believe to be truth and yet feel and have the fears and anger that i do inside. A heart that longs for God and to love Him and take in His love yet that also runs from Him and fears He will be rejecting and dismissive of me. This is as bottomline as i can get, hope it makes sense to those who read. Every day i do seek to take step by step with Him in spite of all the fear and blocks i have that i deal with,