Pressure

It comes in all shapes and sizes. Some can handle tons and not break a sweat, others crumble under a slight amount. Pressure. I always liked the David Bowie/Queen song *Under Pressure*, why did Vanilla Ice have to steal that beat??? Pressure cam lead upward or downward,alot depending on the circumstances in which we find ourselves when we feel it. I wonder what is harder to handle-internal, self-imposed pressure or external other-imposed???? I think it depends on the person. I have always had a strong rendency to place pressure upon myself. Pressure to perform,to produce,to be good at things,to handle life. I have felt it intensify when I thought I needed to perform to meet someones expectation, especially an authority figure. I think mostly I had internalized some message of having to reach a certain level for the person as opposed to them placing it upon me, maybe it was a combination of the two.

Grace removes all aspects of performance pressure. Unmerited favor. Cannot be earned. That really is an alien concept to how life is lived apart from Gods perspective. I seem to always be caught in a tension though. Grace,unconditional love and mercy on one hand, with justice,holiness and righteousness on the other. Different messages emanate from these poles. One says you are accepted as you are. Change will come as you realize this acceptance and the gratitude and freedom that fills your up will lead to change without feeling forced or judged. The other says you must work hard,apply everything in you to accomplish the measuring stick which is the ultimate standard which we all are called to attain to. Do you see the tension there???? Do you find yourselves experiencing this??

I wixh the Apostle Paul was more explicit on all that he meant when he spoke of doing the things he did not want to do and not doing the things he wanted to do. I mean looking at his life he sure did accomplish A LOT of what he wanted to do lol mainly preaching and teaching all over the greco-roman empire and leading the way for missionary expansion of Christianity!!!! He still had lots of struggles though, fully human failings and struggles just as you and I. I feel extra pressure upon myself because of failures I have experienced personally in the past and how so much of what was involved in them still lingers within me even now. Pressure to be at a certain level of being which I am not at. Are my expectations of myself to high and unreasonable??? Does God have a certain criterion He wants me to be at, and everytime i fall short He taps His fingers on a cloud and just wonders how long He must endure me???

I have enjoyed many wonderful relationships with people who have been so good to me. I have had so many give great encouragement and support,love and caring. Somehow I have not been able to let all that transfer deep inside my being and own it for myself. My self-recrimination sometimes seems even harsher than its ever been. I don't have an explanation as to why. It is like I feel as though I need people to be there with whips telling me I need to get over my struggles and be what I'm supposed to be-whatever that is. My conscience and my inner parent are definitely relentless in being slavedrivers. The weird thing is I so easily see the madness of this when I apply it to anyone else. I just have a block when it comes to myself. Looking forward to hearing any thoughts from all as to how you relate to any of this.