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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, December 13, 2008


It comes in all shapes and sizes. Some can handle tons and not break a sweat, others crumble under a slight amount. Pressure. I always liked the David Bowie/Queen song *Under Pressure*, why did Vanilla Ice have to steal that beat??? Pressure cam lead upward or downward,alot depending on the circumstances in which we find ourselves when we feel it. I wonder what is harder to handle-internal, self-imposed pressure or external other-imposed???? I think it depends on the person. I have always had a strong rendency to place pressure upon myself. Pressure to perform,to produce,to be good at things,to handle life. I have felt it intensify when I thought I needed to perform to meet someones expectation, especially an authority figure. I think mostly I had internalized some message of having to reach a certain level for the person as opposed to them placing it upon me, maybe it was a combination of the two.

Grace removes all aspects of performance pressure. Unmerited favor. Cannot be earned. That really is an alien concept to how life is lived apart from Gods perspective. I seem to always be caught in a tension though. Grace,unconditional love and mercy on one hand, with justice,holiness and righteousness on the other. Different messages emanate from these poles. One says you are accepted as you are. Change will come as you realize this acceptance and the gratitude and freedom that fills your up will lead to change without feeling forced or judged. The other says you must work hard,apply everything in you to accomplish the measuring stick which is the ultimate standard which we all are called to attain to. Do you see the tension there???? Do you find yourselves experiencing this??

I wixh the Apostle Paul was more explicit on all that he meant when he spoke of doing the things he did not want to do and not doing the things he wanted to do. I mean looking at his life he sure did accomplish A LOT of what he wanted to do lol mainly preaching and teaching all over the greco-roman empire and leading the way for missionary expansion of Christianity!!!! He still had lots of struggles though, fully human failings and struggles just as you and I. I feel extra pressure upon myself because of failures I have experienced personally in the past and how so much of what was involved in them still lingers within me even now. Pressure to be at a certain level of being which I am not at. Are my expectations of myself to high and unreasonable??? Does God have a certain criterion He wants me to be at, and everytime i fall short He taps His fingers on a cloud and just wonders how long He must endure me???

I have enjoyed many wonderful relationships with people who have been so good to me. I have had so many give great encouragement and support,love and caring. Somehow I have not been able to let all that transfer deep inside my being and own it for myself. My self-recrimination sometimes seems even harsher than its ever been. I don't have an explanation as to why. It is like I feel as though I need people to be there with whips telling me I need to get over my struggles and be what I'm supposed to be-whatever that is. My conscience and my inner parent are definitely relentless in being slavedrivers. The weird thing is I so easily see the madness of this when I apply it to anyone else. I just have a block when it comes to myself. Looking forward to hearing any thoughts from all as to how you relate to any of this.


At 12:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Boy, do I EVER relate! Ya know. we're our own worst enemies.

Because of what I've been through the last 2 yrs. it has really changed my opinion of myself though. Life is so much more precious then it ever was before and I don't have the time nor the energy to beat myself up anymore. Funny huh? Ms. Perfectionist doesn't care that she's not perfect anymore. She's just grateful to be alive!!
Hang in there Robert. The time will come for you too when you realize it's time to stop being so hard on yourself asd just let God be God.
He knows what He's doing a heck of alot more then we do!

At 12:25 PM, Blogger Robert said...

Hey Janice!!!

YES I know how much you can relate!!!! i still am blown away by all you have been through since we last talked man alive girl!!! You are so very right as well. Somehow He will let His goodness penetrate my craziness so I am content to just trust Him to be who He is thanks so much for stopping by miss miraclegal!!!

At 4:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well Robert I can also relate to this post very well. I think we do put undue pressure on ourselves at times when we should be more accepting of who we are and like ourselves anyway. No-one wins when the expectations we put on ourselves are virtually unachievable. We set ourselves up to fail and who does that help?

At 7:19 AM, Blogger Becky said...

no 'whips' just company and quiet confidence when yours lags.....

At 4:48 PM, Blogger Milly said...

I'm still hanging with ya!


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