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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


A lot of exploratory talk floating around blogland lately, of various ideas and thoughts which had not been considered before. The movie Doubt is very much a zeitgeist/ sign of the times movie I think. Meryl Streep did her usual awardwinning performance, along with great acting by Philip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams as well as the Best Supporting Actress whose name fails me at the moment grrrrrrrrrr. The plot is based upon events that breed suspicion and possible misconduct but also leaves much unaccounted for. One of the characters is confronted with a lack of evidence or proof with which to charge the individual she suspects of wrongdoing, but she falls back upon her certainty which she believes she has due to her intuition and previous life experience.

Certainty and doubt. They really do play off one another. What are we really absolutely certain of??? Faith by its very nature takes into account we will have an incapability to be irrefutably certain or else faith is removed. I do reflect now upon doubting thomas when he actually was in Jesus presence and could see and touch Him. Thomas still had to exercise faith, just a faith that was aided by sight. He was certain at that point Jesus was the Christ and the Savior and Messiah. Thomas was given a tremendous aid of direct experience to encourage his faith and certainty.

I am seeking to surrender my struggles with fear to God in a more complete way, yet once again. I have gone through this battle so many varying ways over the years. I have times where everything falls into place in a serendipitous way and all makes sense and feels as it should be. Sure enough something will lead to that *place* being changed into something else, feelingswise. Thoughts also change as well which affect feelings. I get caught up in worrying about that i have fear, then about various ways my human weaknesses occur and i stumble over and over again in very same patterns. It seems like my inner voice doesn't have an awareness of everyone else dealing with their humanness in their own ways, it just likes to remind me how i constantly fall short and fail to live up to expectations, whoseever they may be- Gods,parents,friends,various other people in life. Thankfully blogging provides an outlet to peek into the world and see so many others handling life as best they can, always knowing every day is a new one and change will happen!!!!


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