consciousness

To be or not to be- animals don't have to worry about such a thing, they just are. Sometimes I wonder if that would be preferable. Started reading an online book written by prof.Beck at experimental theology, called the ghost of Freud. I have become a huge fan of his blog since discovering it, could be that he writes so insightfully about psychology and theology in very fresh perspectives. I have only read the first few chapters but the thesis is quite intriguing. Freud declared religion to be a narcotic and something people turn to as a way to escape the hardships and pain of existence. Christianity answers Freuds critique very definitively, but it is good to explore the reasons Freud had in making his contention and some aspects in which he made valid points.

Death and fear of it has been a conscious battle for me. Obviously it is something we all must face and we all do in our own ways. Jesus resurrection is the answer and overcomer of death,unless you choose to believe it never happened. My dealing with death began early on due to my fathers cancer, which ended up being terminal. I do not recall talking about death and its possibility with my parents while my dad was alive. I think this was due to me and my sister being very young and they didn't want us to be scared or scarred by knowing about my dads condition. As I have said before, I didn't know anyone else for a long time who had a parent die. i was 8 when my dad died, and I think I turned inward even more soon after, seeking to find protection from death as something *out there*. Of course my self-protection was not rational but dealing with losing my dad forever didn't seem rational either. I often find it odd that in so many ways i am very analytic and rational and seek to be logical in facing life, but at the same time can be very emotional and nonrational and mystical.

I think i have a lil bit of insanity in me in that i have always sought to find a way to make death vanish within my imagination. Maybe somehow, some way it can be overcome in a way where it just won't happen. I am saying this in a way apart from resurrection. In order to be resurrected you still have to die. I seek to remove the middleman lol When I find my wits and realize Jesus resurrection is the answer to death and think through all the history of how He alone conquered death, then it satisfies my mind and my heart. Soon I find myself thinking that I still feared death in times where i wondered was Jesus really alive??? Also, what about commitment and obedience??? Staying steadfast in faith??? What if i messed up something He required I fulfill and then i die and wham I am not with Him???

This last paragraph is the merry-go-round I ride on and off over who knows how long. I see a split in Christianity as well between the grace camps and the obedience camps. One says it is all grace, we cannot do anything to make God love us and we just need to rest in His grace. The other camp says we need to obey to demonstrate we have faith and have accepted His grace. How much obedience is enough??? Can grace be violated and abused to such an extent it is removed??? Faith is not feeling but feeling supports faith. Jesus has removed the sting of death, this doesn't mean it won't feel rotten to stop breathing or experience your bodily organs cease to function. Ultimately His gift of grace and love and eternal life will remove all pain and suffering and bad feeling. That is the ultimate hope and joy, which is where i turn to as i ride my merry-go-round. I wish i could just stay resting in that truth and reality *in the moment* always, but maybe needing to run through all the junk and be brought back to this truth is a good thing until i am there and it won't be necessary to even ponder anymore.