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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Inner Talk

We all have an inner dialogue going on within ourselves. It differs for each one of us. Is the *voice* a mixture of conscience,our parents,our desires,others and God??? I thought about writing this post in a way I saw on another blog. Me- then Voice- just like that. Maybe i will sometime. Iwish the *voice* i dialogue with would just chill and not challenge me so much and cause me to reflect so much. Of course it is not just a single voice, at least I am not schizophrenic right???? lol Hmmmm :)

Why is it so hard to accept and internalize Gods love??? i speak to and for myself here. My inner battle has been so much to take and let fear go, because the fear is Gods love is somehow blocked from my experiencing it as He intended for me too. This happened because I was lacking faith and obedience from an early age. I go back and forth, well Gods love is free and unconditional, and His grace is unearned. You cannot work for it and nothing you could ever do would make Him love you anymore or any less. Countering that are thoughts saying - you have been weak, you have been selfish, you have been so obessed with death and pain as opposed to fixing your eyes on Jesus and resting fully in Him. You have too much fear and worrying about what might happen, when you should be worryfree and always acting to serve Me and love others.

When i am interacting with others, whatever setting that might be, I can get away from all this junk i just said going on in my head and its great to have that, great to be with people. I don't know how and why i have lived this long, had so much of the experiences I have had and still struggle with this *inner talk* in the way I do. Even as i write this my *voice* is saying- why do you talk about this, always self-absorbed worrying what others will think,afraid to fail,afraid to succeed. God just brought through your heart troubles and your still back to all this. Let it go, get over it,overcome it and move on already.

I don't write this as self-pity, or as seeking anything in particular. i write this just as self-expression of what really goes on in my head, and even so, God loves me and seeks to guide me through. There is that reality of His Presence, I pray He will help me to accept His love and trust Him even as I feel caught in my own *inner talk*

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