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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Staying In The Present

Been having a tough time thinking what to write about. The notion of the present is a good one though. I know i have a very tough time staying here,in the present. My imagination likes to wander and meander all over the place, be it past or future. I wonder if there is a way to have the past viewed in a way precisely as it happened??? Or is it always tinged by our own perception which is flawed??? Like when people refer to the *good ole days* I doubt they were seen as such when they were happening. Our memories tend to wax nostalgic,even when we know at the time they were occurring there was no such nostalgic sentiment applied to them!!!!

I wish there was a way to *control the future from the present* Don't you ever wish so??? I would control events in such a way good things happened and bad things didnt. Sounds idyllic doesnt it??? Just a wee bit prideful and selfcentered though. What about everyone elses future??? I would want good and not bad for them as well, but maybe we would differ on just what that would mean or entail??? Complications come into play. Hmmmm, maybe *playing God* with the future is not all it seemed cracked up to be.

Fear. Yes once again, it is just relentless that way for me. It is like an invisible ghost as opposed to a feeling or sensation so much of the time. I had a few thoughts i wanted to write about that had come to mind but now they are gone. i hope they return. I think my battle with fear has ebbed and flowed with the events in life as they have occurred. I have sought to escape the pain of the past by trying to avoid it in the future. Denial or avoidance are never good solutions though. The whole idea of fear as a force that just swoops down and does its damage like a hurricane is a troubling thing, especially when fear is linked to death. Why have i had such an inability to accept fear and death in a way that takes the emotional power away from them??? That underlies the problem really. Why have they both overcome my imagination and emotional absorption in a way that blocks God??? Ugh, i dont know. I dont want to accept that i have let that be the case.

Nothing can separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Nothing. Something in me has fought this and when whatever that is goes on, it just causes like a paralysis or quicksand feeling. Amazing all this time and all the ways my battles with fear and death have left me able to live on and know Gods love remains constant. Even though Gods love is always present and nothing can separate me from it doesnt mean i will always feel it all the time right??? Do you have trouble *feeling* Gods love??? Do you think it is a wrong understanding to think we can always *feel* Him and His love??? Hopefully these questions are reflective for you. I know He has helped my struggle with fear to become less over these last many months. Praise Him for always being present :D

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