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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


I love and hate that word. I love it when I can imagine and envision it happening when dealing with tough tasks and issues in life. I hate it when I am in a mood or place where i just don't want to persevere. I am so glad Jesus is who He is and did what He did. I cannot begin to fathom a world without Jesus in the sense that He was the only One of His kind, being God/man. Only He overcame death, sin and all the failings of humans. He did it and did it with a fervency and gusto that could only exist within such a One as He.

Round and round i go with fear and the existential results of it. The heat has been turned up even more it feels like, most likely due to seeking Him in prayer so much, as well as having others praying for me and trying to come at it from all angles. I have not always had such a tug of war with fear. I think my inactivity in many ways has caused it to get rougher over last several years. I have had many times where I did things in spite of or even with the fear. Of course I felt like a pretzel inside but hey I still did it!!! I wish I could stop having that thought/feeling of death about to happen any second that lingers inside. Thinking about it will not prevent it. If it were to happen, I will soon experience what God has in store for me. Why have i had this disparity between what i believe and know about the Bible and about God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and this sense of foreboding because i have not performed as my mind and conscience tells me i should have??? Don't we all fall short, far short of what we estimate we should be??? Do many of you have this battle between what you believe to be true and what you feel is true in a nonrational way?? I just want to find a way to live with fear in a new way and not let my own self-doubt block me from doing so. Thoughts???


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