Difficult

In reading through the Bible, there are so many times of hardship,struggle and obstacles to overcome. The Apostle Paul himself laid out a very long list of troubles he faced on a daily basis. Why is it then I look for some kind of magical miraculous easy time of it for myself??? There is this idea in my head of a certain standard to be met and I dont know how to articulate it or visualize it in a direct way. I think I have let my whole obsession with fear just overshadow certain overall aspects of life on the whole. I saw a commentary where they said that when angels or Jesus told people to not be afraid or to have no fear, it was more like a *hey chill out relax its ok* kind of statement as opposed to a stonefaced solemn DONT BE AFRAID FOOL type attitude.

I am my own worst enemy by far and it seems regardless how much i read,hear,listen to or whatever else of how to realize this and get past it, it still lingers and hovers like a dark cloud that just won't leave. God definitely gives me moments of clarity and insight which i grasp tightly. There are so many times of where i seem to be spinning round and round not knowing how to stop as far as realizing Him and resting in His love & grace. I definitely know i am not alone in this. I had a wonderful friend I have been co-journeying with on here since 2005 comment how obedience just makes her grind her teeth lately, although she wants to do it with all her being. I feel this with obedience & trust so much. I want to do it as naturally as breathing without even thinking, but so much *junk* gets in the way. My own doubts,questions,fears,wonderings, and whatever else you want to call it just rise up over and over. Does abiding in Jesus allow for all this angst and seeming humanness in it?? Just what did Jesus mean by telling His disciples to abide in Him??? I think there are many interpretations of this as there are of just about everything else He said and did.

Hope to hear how pursuing Him iks going for anyone who cares to share.