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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Snowball Effect

A scary thing to decide to post on certain things, especially personal failings and sins which can cause a lot of mixed reaction from people when discussed publicly. Jason Boyett at o me of litle faith has a good post on grace vs judgment and having Ted Haggard actually comment on his blog after discussing him in a post. I mentioned Ted in a previous post as well, would be interesting if he found me too. Balance. Especially when dealing with our own or others sin, is a tricky thing.

I said snowball effect because my struggles began fairly small. Like I siad before, sexual struggles of various kinds are huge within the church. Both men and women struggle and for a wide variety of reasons. Being able to openly discuss or deal with it is still in its infancy. I didn't want to feel afraid of how to handle romantic relating to women!!! What guy would??? I have been smart enough to know certain things do not get exposed outwardly without risks. Celibacy is by default universally viewed as the choice for single believers. Culture,inner desire, hardwiring of our sex drive and media saturation fight this tooth and nail. I never had the thought and desire in my struggle of- * o yes i just want my sexual pleasure no matter what you say God* It is way more involved in rationalizations and conflicting desires for that.

Questions and wonderings within ones self and also from various other sources, be they family,friends,coworkers,strangers and whatnot, all affect you and your thoughts,emotions and will. A catch-22 also is there as a minister. Ministers are just as human and fallible as anyone else, but a certain expectation goes with the territory, just how it is. So, on the inside once you realize you are violating a behavioral code and also a spiritual one, it becomes very sticky on just what to do. The desire to be open and accountable conflicts with the fear of judgment,digrace and rejection by family,friends,church and more. It is easier to accept at the mental level than the personal.

I hope to talk about this more as time goes on in various ways, and hope to get comments from many people with all kinds of perspectives. Please feel free to email me if you would like to speak more privately on anything. I really feel exposed sharing some things on here as i have. Hope to hear feedback from some on any thoughts you have. Peace.

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