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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, June 26, 2010


I wonder how God manages to be God?? Just how does He handle everything He does and be Love as He is??I get overwhelmed by all I see happening in the world i just want to curl up in a ball and hide till it passes by, but it never all passes by. What makes some of us so much more fragile than others?? Is it good to be open and honest about your weaknesses and failings in a public way, especially knowing employers, family members and friends my discover what you have shared and become aware of things about you that you wish they hadn't???

I drive myself crazy within my head so much. Interacting with other people is so much easier than within my own self pretty much. I have the awareness that all of us are in the same journey together, pretty much having the same basic needs and desires to love and be loved, be a friend and be friended, and all the other emotional/relational stuff. I dont know why fear has kept such a grip on me deep within, despite years of sharing with others, in therapy,in church, with friends. I feel like that man in the Bible who said I believe, help my unbelief!!! On my bad days i feel like one who wished they had never been born and so useless to God or anyone else. Most of the time i rebut this thinking and realize He and others can be helped by or make good use of my weaknesses in a positive way.

I guess i dont know how to let the freedom and joy of Jesus victory over death just shut out the fear of it, mpst likely because i struggle with fearing i somehow in someway wont experience the victory over it when it happens with Him, and having that fear compounds my already existent fear because I should be steadfast, overcoming in the faith and grace He has given. There is a deep conflict i have inside that I bury because even admitting to it is so painful. Another fear is that in sharing this always on here i cause to happen the very thing i dont want. Driving people away because they dont want to hear an endless broken record anymore.

Do people who publicly always share positive and joyful,hopefilled writing have dark times where God seems or feels so far away??? Do they have times where they feel they just lack for some reason or another?? I know the answer in a way but i guess i wonder if those struggles persist on and off quietly within or do they find God takes them away???

i will just be random for awhile i think


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