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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, June 05, 2010

The Hardest Thing

Restoration. That is how i opened my last post and ended it as well. How does God restore, does He always restore, what is involved as far as people and being restored?? Not easy to talk so openly about my struggles but in doing so hope it is used for a restorative and redemptive purpose.

I must go back to way before this incident occurred. I have talked before about influences upon development, nature and nurture. My paternal grandmother was extremely overprotective and it made a huge impact upon my inner sense of self and confidence, in ways i didn't realize till much older. I was tall,awkward and shy as kid. I had various challenges which i handled well enough. I never learned how to deal with girls. I knew in the basic way and the way of being ablr to talk and flirt and be social around them and with them, but in my deepest self, I had nothing but fear and trepidation of what to do with them. This was exacerbated when at 13 i developed chronic acne and newly moved from new jersey to california. I felt totally self-conscious and was on the recieving end of endless teasing and mocking by many of the other kids. Tv, wrestling and roller derby became my refuge.

I lost the acne by sophomore year, and had some girls even show interest in me, but i had the deep fear that kept me from being able to make anything happen. I was always a very avid reader, and I discovered how to find the sexual scenes in books and would read them anytime my mom went to the mall to shop. i would go read while she shopped. Reading those scenes caused the physilogical reaction inside me, one which i knew rationally but was immature about emotionally. I saw alot of movies as well, and always had the longing to experience romantic expression someday with a girl, but my feeling of rejection and unattractiveness was way too strong within.

I know the statistics which show both men and women battle with aspects of sexuality in huge numbers. Porn,cyber sex,phone sex, massage,prostitution and affairs. These struggles do not just happen in a vaccuum, there are reasons behind this being such an incredible epidemic. I wanted to share this as way to get at the root levels of my own situation. I once posted on this struggle and recieved many encouraging and heartwrenching comments and emails from people who were touched by my sharing and were motivated to share themselves. i hope this will always be the case. Ted Haggard hopefully will be used by God to teach us even more deeply the wonders of forgiveness,grace and love leading to life transformation. I share so God will continue this in me. The hardest thing is talking openly about my fear and struggle with women and how to develop a real romantic relationship. I will post more on this and hope possibly both men and women will comment or email me with any insight or experiences of their own which relate. Cant thank you all enough who comment and just read and send positive vibes while doing so.


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