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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, August 30, 2010


The only thing constant is change. Paradoxical much?? It is crazy that 2 things that are opposite of each other can both be true. We stand still and move all at once, or do we???Change is hard isn't it??

Sometimes I have small *aha* moments about changes in perspective or thought. I have a vision or inkling of having a different way of viewing and living out something but before i know it, poof it vanishes, leaving me wanting to have it back and stay put. There are things i have in my psyche and personality style that I wish I could just change instantly, and i wonder why it is so difficult. Why do I have the fear and anxiety I have??? Better yet, why do I interpret/react to certain things with fear???

I know seeing certain things that made others afraid influenced me to be also. I don't know why at times feelings just appear inside that are fear-related. I seek to tell myself that God is always present and with me so i need not fear but my thoughts and feelings take on a life of their own. Sometimes they stay dormant but again i can't say why.

As I have sought to win this lifelong battle with fear the struggle takes on different dimensions. I telly myself i am free to be fearless, but then a thought pops in my head saying- *o sure you trying this again?? you know you cant be fearless just let something happen to your heart or brain you will be quaking in fear in no time* And then I pound myself for having that thought happen. Why do these thoughts pop up and vanish over and over??? I think that same thought process has repeated itself since I was a lil more than 8 years old. How insane is that??? The other crushing blow is the thought process that tries to tell me i have not grown much in all these years, am still stuck in much the same way i was then. Of course I have grown and changed in so many ways but when this process grips my mind it blots everything else out.

Ok, so, sound familiar to you dear reader??/ Any of it??? Do share.


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