Change

The only thing constant is change. Paradoxical much?? It is crazy that 2 things that are opposite of each other can both be true. We stand still and move all at once, or do we???Change is hard isn't it??

Sometimes I have small *aha* moments about changes in perspective or thought. I have a vision or inkling of having a different way of viewing and living out something but before i know it, poof it vanishes, leaving me wanting to have it back and stay put. There are things i have in my psyche and personality style that I wish I could just change instantly, and i wonder why it is so difficult. Why do I have the fear and anxiety I have??? Better yet, why do I interpret/react to certain things with fear???

I know seeing certain things that made others afraid influenced me to be also. I don't know why at times feelings just appear inside that are fear-related. I seek to tell myself that God is always present and with me so i need not fear but my thoughts and feelings take on a life of their own. Sometimes they stay dormant but again i can't say why.

As I have sought to win this lifelong battle with fear the struggle takes on different dimensions. I telly myself i am free to be fearless, but then a thought pops in my head saying- *o sure you trying this again?? you know you cant be fearless just let something happen to your heart or brain you will be quaking in fear in no time* And then I pound myself for having that thought happen. Why do these thoughts pop up and vanish over and over??? I think that same thought process has repeated itself since I was a lil more than 8 years old. How insane is that??? The other crushing blow is the thought process that tries to tell me i have not grown much in all these years, am still stuck in much the same way i was then. Of course I have grown and changed in so many ways but when this process grips my mind it blots everything else out.

Ok, so, sound familiar to you dear reader??/ Any of it??? Do share.