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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Sufficient

Ever feel overwhelmed after reading through all the blogs you have come to discover??? On one side I have read heart-wrenching stories of people who were devoted christians and for varying reasons have deconverted and now are atheist or agnostic. On the other side i have read stories of awe-inspiring faith, hope,courage, love and grace displaying the utter vastness of God. How can such a chasm exist??

I struggle to share myself fully as best i can. I think I tend to lean way heavily on sharing my weak side on this blog, for some reason i think i actually find it easier than to share my strengths. i have chronicled my ongoing battle with fear, it is odd how in some ways i cannot at times place a finger on just where fear and i stand right now. When my dad died when i was 8, I think i felt i was engulfed in quicksand, and i have been living trying to keep from sinking down ever since. My mind long ago was able to grasp the truth of God in Christ reconciling all to Himself. My heart/emotional core, not quite so easily. Suffering and death happen constantly every second of every day, but it affects us more when it happens in an emotionally destructive way. Why did my dad have to get skin cancer??? Why did it ravage him most of his short 30 year life?? Why have I lived to be 49 and been pretty much suffering free save these last few years with heart trouble??

I am just lamenting out loud here,trying to lay out what gets jumbled in my head. Why have so many turned away from God, from Jesus and decided They don't exist??? What is it that lets one person find a deeper reason for faith and another a reason to abandon faith altogether?? I struggle with deep wonderings alot over my fears and doubts. Why do I find insecurity so easy to feel??? Why do I find fear such a huge mammoth reality rather than finding Gods protection to be even larger??? What is the balance between my humanity and the sufficiency His grace provides??

Sufficient. My grace is sufficient for thee, God told the Apostle Paul. Just how does God mean that??? Does He mean no matter how emotionally troubled we are,how much we recieve silence when we call out to Him, how much events of life never become easier, that His grace is sufficient??? How do we measure and get a handle on His sufficiency???

Are you asking these questions?? Are you feeling these things???? Stop in and share anytime.

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