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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Various Thoughts

Freedom can be scary. Look at the Israelites, once Moses went up to Mt Sinai they began grumbling and worrying about being in the wilderness, despite the miracle of the parting of the Red Sea. Some people just do not know how to handle total freedom. This is a reason why parents make boundaries for their kids. On their own, kids just cannot function without doing some risky,dangerous things. Boundaries afford them a safetynet.

Fear. Is there a way to sedate it like novocaine does to nerves??? I could handle fear so much better if I could feel like i was high on demerol lol I know i have no need to let fear be rooted in me with God and Jesus giving the answer to it. Try telling my mind and body though. An example- I went on Colossues, at the time one of the biggest rollercoasters in existence. As we went slowly up the first huge hill, my friend sitting next to me kept saying such comforting things like, *oh no were gonna die ahhhhhh we are gonna crash!!!* Great pal eh??? His purpose was to try and make me laugh honestly though. Once we went down that first drop, i LOVED the ride!!! I could not believe I had been so afraid of rollercoasters!!!! Once the ride was over, i wanted to go again!!! Funny thing though, about 5 years later, same amusement park, same rollercoaster- I was too afraid to ride it!!! WHY??? There was this thought/feeling in me saying no no you might die on the ride no one would be there to help!!!

This is the crux of how i have battled fear. Of course realistically speaking, I could die at anytime,anywhere,any second. I could as i type this. Somehow I manage to deal with that for the most part. But at certain times the thought/feeling overwhelms me and i become paralyzed in a sense, just wanting to get over it already. Trying to talk this over with anyone is hard because I feel like a fool that i have this problem, i feel like they don't want to talk about death, especially in a way that makes it seem imminent in some fashion. I get fixated on the physical feelings of death and the pain it conjures in my imagination and always has. I manage to have lived life even with this thought process as a constant thing. I definitely can sympathize with those who have agoraphobia though.

God and Jesus are greater than death, than pain,than suffering,than any of my fears and worries and crazy imagination.The differing theological notions of God come into play with my fear struggle too. God is Love, why has He not relieved me of this fear battle??? Is there some action I need to perform so He will do so?? Is His love always present with me regardless of my thinking/feeling capacity to comprehend that He is taking care of me??? I need the ability to tell my mind where to get off at times. Its like, oh see my mind is saying this so it has to be so. Of course with certain things i do manage to do that. But my whole fear,feeling rejected,weak,unworthy labrynth, i get caught up in it all. There are times when out of nowhere i will have the words, f*** Jesus run through my mind. AHHHHHHHHHH I dont want those words in my mind!!!! Sometimes it makes them just stay longer. I guess this can just happen at times. When it does though, it hits at my insecurities about how God feels about me and where I am in relation to Him. I have known the truths in Scripture so well for so long. Why have i found it so hard to let them inhabit my emotional core and let me live in place of contentment,peace and joy???

Hope you don't have a headache after reading all this if you have s done so. Welcome to the inside of my crazy mind. Thank you for any and all comments!!


At 9:29 AM, Blogger Becky said...

I loved the honesty of this statement...When it does though, it hits at my insecurities about how God feels about me and where I am in relation to Him. I have known the truths in Scripture so well for so long.

what good has it done for you to know them in your head?? I wonder how you could get them out of your head......and approach the Bible differently??

At 5:35 PM, Blogger Robert said...

Becky-great question!!! It is strange because as i just live i do so seeking to embrace and share the heart and mind of God and Jesus, but when i analyze things in my head and reflect on my failings and such, all goes awry. How to approach the Bible different??? I think I have been doing that since last 3 years, i need to blog on that a bit as opposed to just sharing my rough times


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