More Wonderings

Ever feel like you have a stealth case of MPD??? Like somehow other personalities entered in somehow without you knowing??? I wonder if Adam & Eve actually were the originators of this??? They had idyllic existence with God, each other and animals, then messed it all up due to desire for something else. Don't all of us have hidden desires within us, maybe even ones we don't even acknowledge consciously??

I am reading Tim King and Frank Martins book *Furious Pursuit* right now. main point is that God furiously pursues us and always has us with Him, even when it appears to our senses we must doggedly run after Him and seem to endlessly come up empty. This is a very timely book for me right now. Life definitely zigzagged for me over the years, especially when I had aspired to become either a psychologist or minister, and have basically been a mailclerk since leaving Seminary. It has been a sorespot for me always, and especially because i basically self-sabotaged my own future by dumb actions on my part.

I have shared about my personal failures on here and i always wonder before i do so what reactions will it elicit??? They range across the spectrum but for the most part have been gracious,understanding and encouraging. The book is very challenging in that it talks about fear vs love and love really should always conquer fear, but in actual emotional experience it doesn't seem to for so many. The book is fraught with examples of how people as a whole live daily with fearfulness, especially in how they see God, because the threat of hell looms inside them, as well as the guilt and shame over the awareness their behavior and actions have been filled with less than holiness. So many of us fight to truly accept the truth God loves us no matter what and He always will. How can this be true if a failure on our part to believe and or obey could send us into hell apart from Him forever?? To clarify, i do not hold to this view of hell myself, but it has been taught ever since the Reformation and maybe even a bit before as a doctrinal truth of Scripture. That carries a lot of weight.

I want to write more just wondering aloud. Hoping to recieve comments doing the same. How do i take in the genuine truth God loves me regardless of my inclination to push Him away, to doubt He does as He says He does, to feel Him in an absent way in part due to losing my human father to early death??? How do I integrate my deep emotional hunger and need for Him to touch me in that way and the adult,mature way that just accepts he of course is always there and always will be, no matter what i may do???