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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, December 12, 2010

BackTrack

Mulligans are great things in croquet aren't they?? A do-over. Wish lots of times life gave me mulligans for so many different things. God does allow us to backtrack and do-over in a sense by always being there, no matter how many times we slip and fall- and those times are many. My friend Karen made a great comment on my last post, and made me think. God is there, always, yet we choose fear. I say we because I'm sure alot of us struggle with fear, i definitely do. O am not sure of an answer as to why I choose fear. A lot of times it seems more that fear has chosen me. By this i mean i don't go around wanting to be afraid or have an overall sense of anxiety and foreboding. But my imagination and mind tend to lay that out there as what my bodily response should be. God is there, He has control, He has made everything ok.....but, pain,suffering,calamity and negative things happen and they could happen at any moment.Sometimes I can recognize that and be at peace with it. A lot of times i recognize it and feel like i want to jump out of my skin and just run run run .

I think life experience and the way we are wired physiologically as well as the environment we grow up in all play a part in this.Knowing all this doesn't just remove the tendency to fear though. Feeling trapped by the past also is a struggle. I have this compulsion to tell myself that I have always known better and yet still made choices that were sinful,dumb,selfish or what have you. I pound myself internally for doing this, of course no relief comes from that. God thankfully helps me to let His forgiveness, love and grace shine through and that self-abasement ceases for a time. Without grace though it comes back with a vengeance and does not relent.

I have had an ongoing conversation with a friend about whether or not repentance is required for forgiveness??? For instance, if someone killed my mom and did not repent, could I forgive them?? My friend says no. To me though, i can, and hopefully my forgiving the person could lead them to repent because they experienced something so radical and freeing. Repentance is a turning around, an about face. It is turning from my own way and turning to Gods way. We need continual repentance though don't we??? Do confession and repentance go together??? Aren't some behaviors and attitudes so ingrained in us, even as Christ-followers, that we commit them over and over and over??? Repentance on the grand scale of surrendering our lives to Christ does not mean we never sin again once this is done......or else I don't think anyone is saved. LOL Just saying.... we all continually fall short.

I have lil moments here and there where God helps me to let go of the fear and trust He will take care of me, even in the worst moments. Because of my heart condition i sometimes have moments where I get scared i'm having a heart attack or something. God somehow helps me get past those times, and realize He has me in His arms, and He will even when my heart does stop, and when i do die. He has me even when i struggle to accept and trust He has me. That is what allows me to write as i do. Hope to hear from anyone as always.

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