thoughts and wonderings

Is God trustworthy??? That is the million dollar question isn't it???? I think the key theme of the book of Job is this question. With everything that happens in life, is God ultimately who He says He is???? Gary at *blessed are the poor in spirit* has written mamy an excellent post considering this subject and has a most recent one up right now. This question is scratching exactly where i itch right now. A part of me is like DOH of COURSE He is!!!!!!!!! He is the Almighty Living God His Word His SOn the Holy Spirit His Creation all demonstrate very decidedly that He is trustworthy and exactly as He claims Hinself to be.

But oh yes that inevitable but. A scared kid in me wonders, where were you when my dad got cancer??? when those older kids abused me??? when the holocaust happened?? when serial killers go on long rampages??? WHERE WERE YOU?????!!!! I have very solid deep answers to these questions BUT they satisfy my MIND. My heart, my emotional core, still struggles to get a grip on the reality of where He was and IS. I do have times and have had some incredible ones, where i just weep uncontrollably pouring out my need and pain and hurt to Him. or just wanting to let go and connect. He makes His presnece FELT!!!!!!1 The most wonderful amazing joyful times i have had in life are those where God allowed me to embrace His Presence in a very peronal way. So............ why do I still struggle sooooooooooooo much with just turning to Him, obeying Him. loving Him????? I wish i had answers to this. I seek to be used by Him to represent Him to follow Him and yet i still resist so often. I sit and contemplate so many things and also just wonder why I am afraid why i hold back.

I wonder if the why is because i am all too aware of my sinfulness and the sins i struggle with daily. of course, we all do, all struggle with sin all the time everyday. He has and does forgive us our sins as we confess them, yet i have a very tyrannical inner voice that makes me feel as though i were the worst sinner in all of history and will never be able to know the freedom and joy of my salvation and His grace. i swear at times i think in my head can i jsut realize and be glad and enjoy my salvation>??? i have such an intricate 8works* mentality so deep inside myself. I know and stand absolutely on salvation by grace thru faith all done by Christ. yet, this assassin of the spirit inside me always seeks to shut this down from my living in it as the truth it is. Help me Almighty God to realize as You reveal Yourself to accept and bathe myself in You Your love and grace!!!!!!!!!!!!