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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, February 04, 2007

trying to get unstuck

i sat and contemplated what to title this topic. had many ideas finally decided on this one it seems to apply so many times. it amazes me how God brings about mutual discussion on certain themes or subjects that touch so many lives. Vulnerability, risk,transformation, personal pain all seem to be percolating deeply in namy bloggers lately. I have spoken about many of my areas of weakness and struggle. I find so much joy and gratefulness when i come across someone eho speaks from their heart and opens up their soul, something very moving and response-inspiring.

I can say I have been a victim, launching from my dear friend barbaras post. i do not like that term, i don't like the pigeonholing it seems to carry with it. Just like talking about sex addiction, hate how that tends to get one compartmentalized into a certain box. Recovery is wonderful, necessary and aided by God, but it does NOT have to be the end-all buzzword to place addictions,victims, and a few others into so they can be easily handled. I have always had a more gentle nature as long as ican remember. I have had a more timid and shy spirit which showed itself in reaction to various situations i encountred in life. My sister is 3 years younger and is wired very differently. She likes danger and risk and is outgoing. She was this way since being a baby i believe. I grew up tall for my age and took time growing into my body. Thus, i was fairly uncoordinated, and of course an obvious target for teasing from other kids. I had flat feet which made me a poster child for *white men cant jump* lol I have a run which looks more like a waddle, or so im told i cant see myself run.

I was able to perform fairly normally in life despite these physical limitations. I have always been quick-witted, understanding and able to use humor very young. I have always been easy-going and even-tempered. i also didn't know how to fight back. I had kids in school who i guess sensed my passive nature or my shyness and would seek to call me names or other things to embarrass me and make me fight. I usually just remained quiet, tried to ignore it or tried to tell them to knock it off. usually to no avail and another kid usually a tough kid who the others feared would bail me out. This tendency to hold things in not fight back be dependent and nonassertive, has been a dead weight i have lugged around my whole life. I was always very strong, especially in my upper body even the older kids noticed it. But i was a gentle giant and afraid to let my anger out afraid i would hurt someone. i think i have channeled my anger inward and don't know how not to. i think i was a victim by my grandma, my paternal grandma because she, for some reason favored boys, and because my parents both had to work as wel las my dad becoming sick with cancer and dying when i was 8. She was around me quite a bit. She was very fearful and overprotective. I just think she instilled a way of being revolving around that inside me. Not to say i had no choices, just saying i think it played a very heavy influence on me. itgs weird writing about this, looking back and trying to understand it, emotionally. One thing that hinders me as well, I have the mental awareness of all this pretty downpat, especially since my mom is a psych nurse, and i have just always been very intuitive mentally way ahead of myself emotionally.

I was a victim by older kids on my block who took advantage of me being an immature young kid who was really naive to anything about sex. i recll once in 4th grade a girl said you know what a period is robert??? and another girl saod a dot at an end of a sentence right???? I really wasn't sure what it was. i knew somehow it was something having to do wth a girl but didn't know what. They had me do things to do them which i think i pushed out of my mind after it happened. I did not know anyone else who had lost a parent to death, Not even a close relative. i felt *different* because of that i think. I had to tell people anytime they asked about my dad.... he died. Death wasn't talked about as i remember growing up. I know my mom made a very conscious effort to make sure my sister and i knew she was NOT going to die and that she seeme to have superhuman abilituy to avod any kind of sickness even the common cold.

My fathers death hurt me very deeply emotionally. I think because i had the mind that could sense things quickly i buried this pain because i needed to be a *big boy* and be strong for my mom and sister. Also because I just didnt know how to deal with it. I drove my mom nuts by always wanting to elive things in the past and talke about stuff in past tense. i think this was my way to try and avoid dealing with the pain. Fantasy allowed for that. and so did dependency and learned helplessness. In 3rd grade i struggled with math once we got to long division, algebra and word problems. I developed a mental bloc.. i JUST COULD NOT DO IT!!!!! My mom tried to help me but i gor so resistant and threw such bad tantrums she had to give up and i just never dealt with math. i have NEVER taken algebra never learned how to do word problems. i hate that still, and still hate math!!!

i will have more to share. This is a way to get out stuff in a new way. My sister told me something i think is very true that anything we do not resolve as kids we relivce as adults. i think that does happen. *Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it* I dont know if this will speak to anyone. I know it is a therapeutic way to turn this stuff over to God. Emotions are still such a struggle for me,especially anger because i bury it. Im sure its a link to my anxiety and obsessive compulsive type thoughts attimes. More to be written about soon. Thanks for stopping by as always.


At 7:39 AM, Blogger bjk said...

hate how that tends to get one compartmentalized into a certain box.

only by those living in boxes themselves...those who have come to know the freedom of and in Christ.....there is no judgement just shared experiences and faith in Him.....at least that's what I am thinking this morning....you and B inspirations.....keep on going through it with HIM...

At 12:27 PM, Anonymous BarBarA said...

I agree with B above! The "boxing" of people is often done by those who have NO CLUE what is like to be hurt, to be used, to have serious painful life issues. I know people who seem to have gone through life unscathed that think I exaggerate my feelings, etc. but they really can't comprehend so I don't blame them.

Great post, buddy.


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