dont let me get me

Ah yes i know Pink did the song was a very cool song imho. i really liked the sound of it and the concept behind it rings very true to my purpose right now. I have been my own worst enemy. I think through life and my experiences, the good the bad the ugly. It isn't waht happens to us but how we RESPOND to what happens to us. O that cliche echoes often in my mind. How i wish i had responded differently to so many things. Even NOW!!!! I spoke before of the inner voice that was like a defense sheild but also like a fortress kept bad things from entering but also kept me from getting out as well as good things from coming in. Gods love is the greatest force/power/absolute in all creatuion, all existence!!! AMEN!!!!!!!!! Why in the heck have I seemed to feel/think like death is????? I DONT WANT TO!!! If we fear its because we feel like we are going to be punbished and are not perfected in love. I think my catholic upbringing comes into play here. Feeling like anytime i DO a sin, or anything God doesn't like, i can expect He will punish me. Why is there a gap between feelings and thinking??? Why do i feel like i just committed deja vu????

I wonder about the impact of approached to evangelism and focusing on repentance??? I became a christian at 16 and it was done as i read the Gospel of John over and over and calling the girl who had witnessed to me constantly to ask her questions. i began going to Calvary Chapel on saturday nights. The focus of their preaching was that Jesus was coming back ANY SECOND and you better be ready or you might BURN!!!!! Powerful stuff!!!!!! made me so scared for my mom and sister i went and tried to force the Gospel down their throats didnt quite have the impact i thought it would. I have heard sermins or talks where the speaker asks if you are ready to meet God right now that you need to be prepared ALWAYS!!!! That kind of preaching/teaching approach fear-based..... makes me wonder now if Tony Soprano is in charge of evangelism in heaven. Go tell them to believe RIGHT NOW or swim with the fishes!!!!!!!!!! Reject the offer????? FUHGEDDABOUT IT!!!! i dont think God is a mafia Godfather............. He is a FATHERGOD!!!!!! The kindness of God leads to repentance!!!!!!!! Says so in First Peter i believe somewhere in the NT. My issue is realizing the kindness of God. Seems like i have a penchant for always looking for the judgment and punishment of God,,,, and when it doesn't come wellll hey it WILL!!!!!! This is a deep internal thing im speaking of. Always afraid at any moment He is going to make me pay for whatever it is i have done. Stupid death!!!!!!!!! Why do we have to sin??? Why do i choose it??? Every day over and over just like paul says the good i want to do i dont do the bad i dont want to do i do. We all do!!!!!!! All the time.... no matter how holy you are you stiullsin ALOT!!!!!!! Why is it so hard to trust in His grace love and forgiveness and just STAY THERE!!!! Stay still in HIM!!!! I hope i am on topic here still. Dont let me get me...... my prayer is i wont and God will lead e to a deeper true realization in my innermost being of His love truth grace and mercy!!!!!!!!! Blessings to all of you sharing the journey!!!! Blessings toall of you period!!!!! Father God help us all to have our faith deepened our hearts filled by Your Spirit and our lives transformed whatever way You choose to have this happen!!!!!! In Jesus Name AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!