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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, February 15, 2007

trust and obey

That is the title of a very good hymn as well as the gist of the Gospel. Trust God Obey God. i just wish it happened for me as easy as it sounds singing the hymn. Iwish the Bible gave more insight into the inner workings of the minds of its characters. What were the thoughts of Abram as he led Isaac up to where he was to sacrifice him???/ Of Noah as he awaited the Great Flood, of Moses as he dealt with the grumbling Isrealites. Did they have constant nagging emotional/spiritual struggles inside themselves that were invisible to all but God???? They must have as humans, just wish i had more access to it.

I dont understand completely why i struggle withthese things. i know partly as i have written on in previous posts. I also realize i have to accept my brokenness as a sinful human even as a christian i still have that old nature which will battle against the Holy Spirit always. I tend to wander inside my head and get stuck often wondering why i allowed myself to commit this or that sin make this or that wrong choice thinking i already knew better and yet still did it. I find myself doing it day by day as well and everyone else it seems as well. We know better...... yet we all STILL commit sin sometimes the same sin and we just dont fathom why????? i really wish Paul expounded alot more on the verse where he talks about his failure to do the right thing and still do the wrong thing. Was it a daily failure???? Same one over and over for years????? i just don't know.

My whole fear thing is a wonder to, I have experienced Gods love and grace to assuage it alot, yet it still comes up. i wish i had learned how to handle fear when i was younger. i am one of those who bury things inside. Anger and fear get buried. Unles they overwhelm me to the point i just leak them out in the open. i find myself crying very easily at movies this past year, way more than ever before. Scenes of deep love or any kind of expression of heartfelt affection and compassion, forgiveness, grace and mercy. They knock me out. i think its because i hunger for that so deeply inside. I want that kind of intimate relationship yet feel unable to give whats needed to establish it in the way it needs.

Its freeing to share so openly on here yet also troubling. Wish I were able to emotionally manage my pain in actuality than i do. i am able to function normally in working carrying out responsibilities and being a friend and encourager. The battle is far different within though. O to have the ability like Paul talks about in being singleminded, counting everything else as loss except for knowing Christ. Being content in any and every circumstance no matter what it is pain joy good times hard times ANYTHING!!!! God is for me, so who can be against me????? help me God to be FOR YOU!!! To come to You again and again to seek You with all my heart help me to be at that point to have my whole self desire to be there and let YOU fill me as You desire to.


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