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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, February 05, 2007

getting unstuck part 2

math and i will never be friends. English comes easy to me for some reason. I LOVE words!! I love to read and soar with the adventures the authors take us upon in their stories. I have talked before about the treatment i recieved in my jr high upon arriving in california from new jersey. The way i handled it was to go to a fantasy world and escape. I used to watch tv and have a notebook where i would write the names of each show i watched and the soryline of the episode. I would listen to some records mainly elton john. The BIG thing for me though, and Im sure many of you will laugh or snicker or roll your eyes was pro wrestling!!!!!! I watched it faithfully ever saturday night and was such an addict i even watched on spanish tv and i didnt know spanish!!!!!!!!! LOL Seeing those huge men in crazy costumes and talking trash tearing each other up ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it was exactly what i secretly wished i could do to all those who teased me and picked on me. I will NEVER forget my mom taking me to downtown LA to see the Battle Royal as well as seeing the Fire throwing Sheik and Andre the Giant. Wrestling and comicbooks they were my refuge from the pain of everyday.

The getting unstuck part still deals with issues i face even today. This inner sense of being compelled to act a certain way, to have a certain personality style. I WANT to be assertive and independent in alot of my actiuons and interactions with peoplr, but this inner switch seems to always be on telling me that is not how i am and i cant go against how i am. I want to be free of fear but this switch rattles on and on about how i have always been afrais and just have to livw with it cannot escape it and blah blah blah.

This inner mechanism is the trouble source I want to tackle.It has akways been there like a self-defense system gone amok. Anytime i sensed or actually did experience ank kind of threat, especailly emotionally, the voice would go off and find ways to help me escapre or avoid or detach from the threat. Now, let me add Im not talking about voices like a schizo does or a psycho, but there were thoughts and impressions which sought to keep me in a protected way. The trouble is the voice never learned when to quit. it always s eemed to be on autopilot whether i be in class at school at dineland or a movie atthe beach or watching tv at home. It has gotten lesser and lesser but still seeks to take control when it can.

Do any of you have any experiences that relate to any of this?????Does my take on my *inner voice8 make sense and ring a bell???? Always rnjoy any and all feedback, helps me to know if im being cioherent or wandering wayyyyyyyyyy out there!!! Hope to see what you all have to say!!!


At 8:34 AM, Blogger bjk said...

Does it ever...

Are you familiar with the DISC profile ...whatever.

I am an S (sensitive) I (influencer) or I S depending...the S in me sounds alot like what you experience. Never ever having the confidence to....really do anything but the I in me wanting to always wanting to. So the battle in my head is always going on.....the inner diaglogue can certainly block or derail me all the time....
Thus me lately embracing the whole sheep analogy, nothing special and yet special enough to be in HIS flock and under His protection. The whole of placing my head in his hands and being who I am and trusting that He has my backside protected.....seeming to help the voices, the inner battle....

At 8:21 PM, Blogger Smitty said...

Yep...I get the inner battle that is going on inside your head. I have one raging in mine as well. I'm sure that the ways I deal with that are not the best, but I do understand where you are coming from in that struggle. I can quiet the battle somewhat when I remind myself of those things I truly believe about God..those characteristics of who He is and His love for me...that I can cling to everyday. Thanks for sharing!


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