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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Just Do It

Sermon theme in church today was commitment. Pastor made the point that most of us, even as believers, are mainly committed to : OURSELVES!! Selfishness is alive and well in the Church, after all we are still stuck battling our old natures in these broken vessels. I began thinking of how I act selfishly and to rnd it as i saw it happening. One weird thing that struck me is that i can be selfish in inactive ways. Instead of doing something for myself, I dont do something, because i feel im too weak, someone wont like it, im scard, etc etc etc. I am am introvert and see the world and handle life from that viewpoint. I act as though I need God to jolt me somehow and spell out in a very direct specific way what i am to do. The Holy Spirit needs to be a joy buzzer buzzing me to lead me how i should go and what i am to do.

I have to sit back and laugh as i reflect on what i just wrote because I love the joke about the man stuck on a cliffside he yells for God to recue him, as a plane a boat and someone else came by to help. He told them all no God would save him finally God told the fool I sent you a plane a boat and a something what else do you want???? LOL Why is it I think/feel like God has to use some kind of special sensation somehow for me to know what Im to do???? I think its a device I developed intrinsically a long time ago to avoid pain and rejection by people or life events. I have my mind running constantlyu nonstop so many different directions. I have read the book *Decision-making and the Will of God* by gary friesen (great book btw) and still I struggle with realizing my tendency to do this. I let my mind fill with so many questions, so many, as awareness so eloquently said in a great post, *what-ifs* as well as second-guesses, that opportunity has flown by as i sat and wondered in my head.

I had an ok time in high school. I never learned to like math, was very good at english, handled everything else ok. Theater was my main thing though. I lived and breathed it. it was where i could escape from the pain i had endured in jr high, of being outcast and seen as the *ugly kid* or other type epithets. Acting, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what a great find!!!! I must say, there is nothing quite like the rush you get when you hear a full audience applaud you. i total;ly understand why actors and actresses are often some of the most insecure,shy and neurotic people. Because acting is ESCAPE FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!! being on that stage you become ANYONE and everyone sees you and applauds you and wants more!!!!!!!! it is also very selfish at the core because it caters to the ego. I wonder what if sometimes about had i pursued an acting career. i think i would have been a good character actor. i can do comedy as well as drama any of you in cali like my buddy barbara may recall wally george????? Rebecca demornays dad. He was a wacky rightwing talk show host, a friend and I used to parody him. Saturday night live would have been fun well i can dream LOL

I was not sure exactly what i wanted to do after high school. i decided to go to jr college. i majored in psych. At the same time i had started an internship with my youth minister to learn to become a youth minister. It wasa great experience, although i found myself very challenged by trying to teach and lead jr high and high school kids with my introverted nature and my own inner pain still strongly felt from my own experiences in those years. I was able to do very well in jr college, even made the deans list and had a 4.0 first time ever!!!!1 i had many of my instructors encourage me to go on and pursue psych at a 4 year school and that i showed good potential as a counselor. I also had desires to be a minister thinking it was about the best way to serve God. I prayed and prayed for what direction to go, where i thought God wanted me to go. I ended up choosing Bible College and Youth Ministry as my degree. By the time i arrived at my sr year i was convinced Youth Ministry was not the right career choice for me. I ached inside wondering why and how i had made the wrong decision back when i was graduating from jr college. Why didnt God make sure i made the right choice. Hmmmmmm guess it could be that He wants for me to live frelly and make my own decisions leaning on Him of course, but still owning my choices. I wish i had sought more wisdom and guidance from others back then. Of course i might have made the same wrong choices which have me in the position career-wise Im in now. hard to say.

I have a background in minsitry,psych and counseling. Half a masters in pastoral counseling. I work as a mail clerk. Mindless work. i still pay on my last student loan to the Seminary i went to before i had to drop out due to losing my job. i have been at this job now 15 years. i have had some good ministry opportunities working alongside a mormon , jehovahs witness, scientologist as well as basic pagans. I wonder about being able to pursue a different career move though im 45 still young enough. Kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place though, Need time and money to get another degree as well as pursue anothe career or line of work. I make close to 15 $ an hour. Very good in this economy right now. I have a good ministry in my church thats voluntary and i really enjoy. Does just do it apply???? have any of you faced a similar situation??? Or do you right now??? I sure would love to hear some wise words. Anyone who would like to plz feel free to email me i have it on my profile page. Anyone anytime, if you ever would like to talk offline, plz email me!!!! I cant say how great it is to hear encouragement or even challenge from people. Thank you all for stopping by and reading!!!!


At 9:16 AM, Blogger bjk said...

I don't have any...you're speakin them right now.....what if we so many of us with this personality trait or traits.....what if we are allowing ourselves to be TRAPPED and what if the FREEDOM, the LIBERATION we know about is right in front of us......but we're too scared to JUMP......???


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