missing the obvious

I have been wanting to express on here the ways in which i experience being vulnerable. As well as the ways in which i seek to be more so. My whole struggle with handling the reality of death has been MAJOR on my mind in talking about all of this. For some reason the negative consequences of death seem to overpower my imagination. i don't experience *panic attacks* like i hear alot of people do. But i have some of what are very similar. I have had times where I'm in the dentists chair waiting and all of a sudden I start havingthoughts of dying, my heart stopping or my brain stopping something happening which causes enormous pain and i am helpless to escape it i try to let it go and it seems to linger thankfully it usually goes away in minutes. One time i felt like i was having heart problems while driving back to college with my friends and i had her stop the car and let me out to get air. We made it back and i was ok. I have had episodes like that off and on for a long time i just wonder WHY???

i want to have my imagination and thoughts filled with Jesus and His triumph. With God and the angels surrounding Him all praising Him endlessly pure dazzling light surrounding me as I rest in His presence forever!!!! To realize the joy and actual reality of being saved being IN eternity and knowing I am loved and accepted forever by God.

Trust becomes the barrier/portal i guess. When trust is lacking i feel a barrier to God when its present and building i feel a portal or pathway that brings me into His Presence

I don't know why i let trust lack when I have all he has given me in order to know Him His Word, His Presence, other believers, Jesus, Holy Spirit various experiences where He assured me. When i hear sermons or read His Word or listen to other christians talk about things they have done or experienced trusting Him its like DUH SO OBVIOUS!!!!!!!!! God is omnipotent and omiscient ALWAYS HERE Even in painful things even at death. I just want to trust more and let Him and His Presence be the MOST REAL in my mind and imagination moment by moment. I pray He helps me to learn and apply what I need so that this happens. If lacking in trust serves any neurotic need or whatever in me Lord God i want to surrender it and give it to You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!