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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, February 11, 2007

missing the obvious

I have been wanting to express on here the ways in which i experience being vulnerable. As well as the ways in which i seek to be more so. My whole struggle with handling the reality of death has been MAJOR on my mind in talking about all of this. For some reason the negative consequences of death seem to overpower my imagination. i don't experience *panic attacks* like i hear alot of people do. But i have some of what are very similar. I have had times where I'm in the dentists chair waiting and all of a sudden I start havingthoughts of dying, my heart stopping or my brain stopping something happening which causes enormous pain and i am helpless to escape it i try to let it go and it seems to linger thankfully it usually goes away in minutes. One time i felt like i was having heart problems while driving back to college with my friends and i had her stop the car and let me out to get air. We made it back and i was ok. I have had episodes like that off and on for a long time i just wonder WHY???

i want to have my imagination and thoughts filled with Jesus and His triumph. With God and the angels surrounding Him all praising Him endlessly pure dazzling light surrounding me as I rest in His presence forever!!!! To realize the joy and actual reality of being saved being IN eternity and knowing I am loved and accepted forever by God.

Trust becomes the barrier/portal i guess. When trust is lacking i feel a barrier to God when its present and building i feel a portal or pathway that brings me into His Presence

I don't know why i let trust lack when I have all he has given me in order to know Him His Word, His Presence, other believers, Jesus, Holy Spirit various experiences where He assured me. When i hear sermons or read His Word or listen to other christians talk about things they have done or experienced trusting Him its like DUH SO OBVIOUS!!!!!!!!! God is omnipotent and omiscient ALWAYS HERE Even in painful things even at death. I just want to trust more and let Him and His Presence be the MOST REAL in my mind and imagination moment by moment. I pray He helps me to learn and apply what I need so that this happens. If lacking in trust serves any neurotic need or whatever in me Lord God i want to surrender it and give it to You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


At 3:25 PM, Anonymous BarBarA (aka Layla) said...

Robert, sorry i have been wayward in my commenting.

This sums up your post for me and I think most of us can relate, I know I can:

"Trust becomes the barrier/portal i guess. When trust is lacking i feel a barrier to God when its present and building i feel a portal or pathway that brings me into His Presence"

At 10:14 AM, Blogger bjk said...

Understand I am not saying this is you but this quote really spoke to me......and wondered what you thought about it?? Praying for you Robert.....to HEAR Him....

"He swiftly uncovers my tendency to use 'questioning'
as a way to avert obeying."...UPRISING

At 6:26 PM, Blogger Awareness said...

HI Robert.....

I have tried to post a comment from work a couple of times with no luck.....weird. So, here I am late in the evening...

I too have experienced what you have described. Ever since I was 9 or 10 and understood mortality I have had many moments that I describe as "death attacks" which are really panic attack moments of realizaton. It's like all of a sudden I'm overcome with an emotional realization of how my body is working (like a hyper-sensitivity to it) and that one day it won't be...and where will that leave me???

Since my path of believing in God was returned to me a year or so ago (it was blocked for a very long time) I have found that the sensations and the doubt is finally fading......I have always hoped that my journey to accepting and believing would be lifelong and not straightforward like some...........and I do believe that my trust is getting strong by the day. As this happens, my fear of death seems to be slipping away too.

I don't think we can rush it....as much as we want to accept and believe and swallow it all whole.....we are human beings born to question and ponder and wonder AND wander....... and you know what??? I don't think God would want it any other way...... :)


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