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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Friday, February 09, 2007

vulnerable

This word has been used alot lately in a very genuine way bt people who are letting us in to their lives in ways we often don't get access. it is HARD, so hard to be vulnerable, especially in our current american culture. On one hand the whole *self-help* recovery movement has flung open the floodgates to make admitting your insecurities and personal failings to be socailly acceptable, there still is a strong undercurrent declaring a theme that no this is weakness and useless fix yourself and be strong forget all this emotional openness.

i am touched and moved, challenged and motivated, ashamed and selfconscious all at once by so many of what i read on here in blogland. its soooooooooooo incredible how all of us live such unique lives, all so different yet all so very alike in the deepest aspects. I have so much i want to write about on here and share in hopes it clicks with someone or severa people as wel las being a means of opening myself up and being transformed by the Holy Spirit with my use of the blog as one means for Him to do this. Trouble is in deciding just what to share when it comes to the personal. I hope i have good judgement and discretion in all i choose to share here, good discernment.

I think awareness linked a post today from a man who talked about community vs individualism, and how the american way may have become an idol which robs us of the *one anothers* which are shown as examples all thru Scripture. Jesus called us to Himself with EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!! Not as lone rangers. Goes back to the ultimate definition of *church* the ekklesia the *called out* people of God. i am doing a sunday school class at my church now dealing with the Roman Catholic Church,,,,,, similarities and differences it has with Protestant Church. One thing the catholic church has done in a very solid way is build community. Something to be said for the ministry which they extend to each other in the communal aspects they focus on.

I have long held onto a fear of death inside. i have vocalized it since im not sure when, but it really wasn;t dealt with for me in a way i think i needed, emotionally. Either people just said oh i am fine i have no fear im at peace with it, or didnt really hear anmything, just an assumption that death has no hold on us because Jesus conquered it and will ultimately give us the victory over it as well. I saw a post or thread recently which said christians were the only ones who could look at death and smile or something like that. I wonder what those Muslins think who kill themselves with bombs, believing they go straight to paradise as martyrs????? I have always struggled so much with this because i am a christian and believe in Jesus and His DBR and that He frees all who are His from death. With that. why why why have i still had this fear of it???? The fear really goes deeper i think that somehow once it happens i will discover i didn't have the faith i needed to. or i didn't become transformed spiritually enough as i needed to be or certain sins i never overcame make punishment what lies before me. I probably sound like a lil kid sayin gall this but honestly i think that is where this is coming from. I grew up and read ALL the books on apologetics and growing in faith.i went to my ministers and counselors seeking more understanding as well as seminars and conferences. Became a minister, went to Bible College and Seminary, have been able to debate and talk very studiously on faith, pain suffering and other related subjects. Yet, this emotional fear has remained. i dont know what to make of it in a way as i write now. I want to rest in the truth of Jesus victory and His grace. Part of me tells myself that it is a feeling and until i Do die and am in heaven i will never be fully rid of it. Is it true that not ALL fear can be removed in this life??? Is that a mirage being chased when my focus should be on seeking first His kngdom and righteousness which of course is the call we all face all the time:????


Im very much hoping to get some responses of how you handle these issues. Do you have any similar exoerience in your own life????? Am I simply just displaying my emotional immaturity which i need to turn over to God and have Him help me to achieve??? All comments, thoughts, wonderings welcome. Thanks for coming by and reading!!!!!!!!

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