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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Friday, April 20, 2007


There is a fun show on nbc called identity, where a dozen people are standing on stage and the contestant has to guess what their identity is, lil clues are given via their pose,manner of dress and answers to questions they are asked, a rather unique solutiin offered for resolving the Middle East crisis, hypnotize the Israelis and Arabs, convince them all they are Polish polka players and then awaken them, have them take on their new identity!!! Fairly creative scheme if only it were feasible. I have been wondering about my identity. As a believer and follower of Jesus Christ I want being His to be my identity. I tend to allow or wade into many other things which try to dictate to me what my identity is. I am closing in on 46 here in July, yet so much of my identity still seems to be tied up in the feelings/thoughts/wonderings of a 13& 14 year old kid. My daily life today bears NO resemblance in any way shape or form to what it was back in 1973 and 1974 yet internally i often feel as though Im trapped in a time warp which acts like endless repetition of certain events and the emotional affect surrounding them.

Choice is a very all-encompassing term. I have made a few posts contrasting choice and force. They seem to be polar opposites. A struggle i have had as i reflect back over my life, s that i somehow adopted a silent yet persistent belief that I was to passively,helplessly accept that I was a person who had certain fears and certain limitations which no effort on my part could change and i couldnt even attempt to try to change. Writing that is very odd in seeing it and it hits me the gap i have had between my basic understanding of myself and life and how it all interacts and the crazy,imaginatioin driven nonrational feeling led beliefs that lie in the subconscious yet make their way to my conscious mind as well. I have fought so hard,especially since becoming a christian when i was 16 to be free and rid of fear and fears. yet it seems no matter how hard i try the deep inner tape plays back over and over *your one who fears cant change wont change no matter how hard you try or how much you grow in faith in God just the way you are* i see the total schizophrenia in this on one hand God has set me free in Christ who removes all the remnants of sin from me and gives me a totally new identity and on the other hand i feel/think as though im caught by some invisble vise which wont let me be free in the new identity Christ gives me.

The whole paradox of what is Gods part what is my part plays out along similar lines for me. Jesus lived the perfect sinless life and s the only way for me to become acceptable to God. Grace is a free gift, nothing I EVER do could earn Gods love or make me in any way worthy of it. I am called to demonstrate thereality of His love and grace in me by doing good works because Jesus gives me His life and seeks to have me replicate His life in my living of my life. I can write this and fully understand and grasp what Im discussing, I have been able to share the truth and reality of Jesus and His Word to individuals, groups and such yet somehow deep within i find myself caught up in twisted, knooted up distortions of this very Gospel which I committed my life to and which I believe is Ultimate Truth for every living soul.

I am not entirely sure of what my main point is in this I know that God has been helping me to more fully realize that He has and does set me free from emotional/relational wounds I have held onto. I have been one who buries emotional pain and who felt it best to suppress or repress so it wouldnt affect my living life. I have been fully functional but as i have seen in certain struggles i have gone through that out of sight does not equal out of mind. I have been a psychology major as well as pastoral counselor and thus very familiar with emotional components of life but have mostly sought to override my emotions with logic and rational understanding. God does have a rather unique way to help me discover the balance He provides for me to know.

I hope this has made sense. it is odd for me in some ways writing these personal insights, much more easy to write objective theological post focusing on ways God has everything under control despite our quirks and idiosyncricies hmmmmmm i guess He allows much mystery not only in understanding HIm but in living out our own lives. Definitely a transforming journey for sure.


At 6:40 AM, Blogger bjk said...

Makes so much sense.....thanks

At 6:14 AM, Blogger karen said...

wow, robert...this really ministered to me today. Thanks, friend!


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