tug of war

Exactly what life feels like so often. I think actually it really is, tugging from opposite ends although in thinking about not sure if i would say God tugs seems as though His Spirit nudges quite a bit. Enjoyed a very good Resurrection sunday both services were packed and the sermon was entitled *mythbusters* declaring that Jesus resurrection was fact and truth not a fable or myth. No altar call was given, but pastor encouraged anyone who didnt believe in Christ to make that decision and accept Him. This is where my tug of war analogy enters.

Believing in Jesus is not hard obeying and walking with Him in trust and faith is. I read the Bible, or hear sermons or bible studies or read books. The reality and truth of Jesus is so clear so often and when some areas in Scripture are a lil tougher it is always a good exercise to dig deeper to discover the meaning. I read and see the call to obedience,holiness,moral integrity. I see how often and how easy i fail to live out those standards. Grace Love Obedience Faith Judgement So many themes all intertwining. God demonstrates His incredible love and compassion in reaching out to sinners to the least of these as Jesus calls them. God shows He is extremely merciful and forgiving extending His grace without limits. Then, so many passages, especially in the Gospels, Jesus tells parables or does object lessons where He indicates severe punishment and judgement upon those who fail to obey, who fail to produce fruit, who fail to persevere. I look around and see that we all are struggling in our own ways, and so needing His mercy and grace to empower us. Some seem to just be able to live in strong unwavering faith and obedience, living examples of what we are called to be once we turn to Jesus. Most of us are all at different places on the spectrum, seeking to persevere as best we can with what we see Jesus calling us to.

I have such a strong critical parent inside me, lashing me with the whip over and over for my failure to obey and love God with no failure. So legalistic towards myself, yet in reading 1 John and the Gospel of John, total emphasis is placed upon acting in obedience and love,ceasing to sin. I am in a inner quandary so often desiring to live in faith and obedience yet falling down sometimes very shortly after some deep time in prayer or contemplation and repentance. it doesnt help I aspired to be a minister and have the warnings about those who sek to be leaders coming under a stronger judgement especially if they falter. I have a filter, borrowing from my friend laura at crockpot faith who has a very insightful post on her blog you should all check out. My filter is always that somehow i fall short and never live up to what God seeks. i understand i never can and only Jesus did. I take that and see that I fail to live by faith in the way Scripture talks about so often. fail to love as He commands because i am afraid of being hurt by being vulnerable in loving the way God desires. The death of my father has affected how i see God and everything at my most inner core ever since it happened when i was 8. I have tried to bury that reality ever since as well. I think i found ways to go into a fantasy world within my core while findin ga way to stay enough in reality to survive.

Love is the greatest power in existence, yet for me fear seems to be way too much. Anytime i have felt as though something serious was happening to my body, even if it was imaginary i have panicked and not known what to do although I cry out to God either verbally or inside myself seeking His help. When i took drivers ed in high school I didnt qualify to take the test to get my drivers license, because i was too shaky on the road lacked confidence in driving. I ended up getting my license the following summer. Lack of confidence been my monkey on my back that goes with the fear of death and of suffering some kind of terrible event at some point, because of my lack of confidence and fear, i place myself in a kobayashi maru scenario like in star trek no win. Jesus is real He calls me to live in Him, follow Him. accept His grace and die to my self. Somehow my filter screws that up. I have sought to live in Him burying these struggles so much, ashamed to admit i have them, especially in my seeking to serve Him as i wanted to. i have shared alot on this blog, seems more floats up to the surface. I prayed He woulkd wrestle with me, i hope as all this bubbles up i can turn it over in full acceptance and know He was there when i experienced the pain and shock and fear of losing my father, as He is anytime anyone has that happen. i hope my sharing makes sense, it is just seeking to lay out my honest wrestling. I praise God He is helping me to let go of the distortions more and more and to live in His truth as He heals my wounds as I turn and seek Him not avoiding the pain and hurt that is involved in the process.