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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

keep wrestling

So hard to know what to write on here at times. i have one of those minds that runs 24/7 365 a year nonstop it seems. I am an insomniac, sleep apnea sure doesnt help with that lol Sometimes I sit or lay and try to sleep to no avail after several nights of that i will eventually find myself nodding off early in the evening from pure exhaustion. Hoping this is not shortening my life expectancy, by much anyway.

I am perplexed about myself in the whole *fear of death* thing. I will sound very silly or something here but I always hoped some magical way that death wouldnt happen, one of the reasons i was so excited to hear about the *rapture* was because it meant escaping death!!! The reality of Jesus Resurrection is a no-brainer to me in my MIND!!! At the emotional level however, oh man night and day brother!!!! For me it is not so much fear of death in not believing God or Jesus but that I will somehow come up short because of a lack of faith/obedience/whatever else. I feel like the misfits in rudolph the rednosed reindeer sent into exile on that island of unwanted toys. There is no 12 step for being afraid to die especially for christian ministers!!!! I mean really, here it is almost easter sunday and He is Risen He is Risen Indeed!!!!! AMEN!!!!! I want to pray that, rejoice in that, and not have this freak out that by doing that somehow i will be forced to suffer near death or something close to it as a test to see if i have really come to mature faith where the fear is gone!!!! The thing I hate so much is one of my greatest joys is to encourage others about how great Jesus is and what comfort He gives as wel las His Word. And here i struggle with some of these most basic of issues in life.

I pray God will use this season Im in to push me in the water so to speak and make it so i have to grow so i have to venture out in faith in a deeper way out of my comfort zone and help me to see Him ahead of me smiling telling me its ok to just keep walking knowing He is right there. So thrilled that i have so many great people here in blogland with whom to lean on share with and let everything out with. Even when I feel out of it God is GOOD!!!!


At 5:06 AM, Blogger Awareness said...

Hi robert.

I too am an insomniac.....as much as I try to find comfort in sleep, I tend to wake up most nights full of the same questions you have.

Writing does help. Trying to pray does help. but, when the death questions begin to appear in rapid succession, it makes me tremble with fear. I've always felt that way......since I was about 10 years old and came to the realization that mortality is a given.

All we can do is walk with God...even when there are times when we feel we are walking alone, we must continue to tell ourselves that He is always present and that he LOVES misfits.

I often think of the land of the misfits from Rudolph. It was funny to read your analogy. so, my friend, you are not alone....and I BET God checks out the land of the misfits often making sure they are represented and a part of the Body of Christ.

Pleasant dreams........ and know that if you are awake in the middle of the night.....there are many beautiful people awake under the streetlights in your community too.

take care.

At 7:38 AM, Blogger bjk said...

Robert...can you put legs to your statement that God is good??

where did that belief come from?
can you describe to me your journey to faith in Christ or your journey period...I am curious and if I have missed that post direct me to it....

love journeying with you....becky

At 7:46 PM, Blogger Gary Means said...

Regarding the apnea, I can't remember, do you have a CPAP?

At 12:07 AM, Blogger Robert said...

gary yes i do bro only i seem to have chronic sinusitis and other allergies which clog my nose and make the cpap unmanageable all too often grrrrrrrrrrrr

At 12:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That sucks. The CPAP has been a real blessing to me. However, I remember when I first got it, there were nights when I could not use it because of similar problems. Then I had my pituitary tumor surgery. They went through the sinus cavity to get to it. Since then I've been able to breath through my nose for the first time in my life and I haven't had problems using the CPAP since. A nice side effect of a very nasty procedure. Sorry to hear that about your sinusitis. I can commiserate.



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