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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, April 09, 2007

more tugging

I feel like Im standing inside a house of mirrors attimes in the middle trying to choose the correct path to make it to the outside. I am so used to keeping emotional struggles inside just trying to be on cruise control and let things smooth out. This adventure in blogging sure puts a dent in trying to do that though. Seeing so many who share their selves so transparently touches a chord in me and guides me to seek to do the same. As I touched upon in my previous post I feel like i have had a lifelong crisis of confidence. I have pondered exactly why this is. I think genes,family environment,social environment,psychological/emotional development all work together. One important thing is i am in no way seeking to assign blame as i talk about these things. Blame is something that just causes a neverending downward spiral and in my younger years i wasted time playing the blame card so glad i grew up enough to toss it out long ago.

My mom told me when i was older that i almost was held back in kindergarten,because i was seen as to emotionally immature for first grade!!!! Wow that still blows my mind thinking about it one cool thing is i won most improved student at my school at the end of first grade. I know i was always a more emotionally senstive kid especially as a boy. I was tall for my age and somehow was always naturally strong as well but inside i was very fragile. I did not know how to fight back if teased or picked on by other kids, which inevitably happened. i also had the unfortunate luck of wetting the bed. I know my famikly had undercurrents of emotional stress because of my dads skin cancer which affected him a long time even before the year he died. Also from my paternal grnadma who was an alcoholic. i think i somehow internalized the tensions and stresses inside my family which could have led to this. Nothing is quite as embarrassing as sleeping over a neighbors house and wetting the bed. Or going to a summer camp and doingso unable to keepo it hidden from all the others in the cabin with you.

i had a hard time learning to tell time and to tie my shoes. I remember being told in first and second grade to go to my special appt which was with a learning specialist who helped me to learn to tell time and maybe some other things im not recalling. I had very curly hair which gre out very fast, i was the only white kid on my block in jersey to use a pick on my hair lol it even had a black power synbol on the handle I seemed to always be an easy target for teasing whether it be because of something physical, my slowness in telling time or my fragile emotional side. I thank God even though i had all this going on i always maintained a soft heart and gentle spirit although zi wish now i could have been a lil more like the Hulk at times turn green and kick butt!!!!! lol always have loved the Hulk!!!!

i guess i share these things in hopes someone else relates or is touched. So hard to wonder just how people will take what is shared on here. But i guess part of the freedom in blogging is to NOT CARE what people think in the sense that I should censor myself and second guessmyself into paralysis of the post!!!!

I was in high school and one night was talking to a friend (who turned out to be kayla a star on days of our lives soap opera) and sharing my failure in romantic pursuits of any kind. I shared how i was so shy around girls, especially girls i really liked because of my acne that Ai had suffered from even though most of it had cleared by then. She told me girls didnt care about looks so much but confidence. IN HIGH SCHOOL???? RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!! Anyhow, i was like how in heck do you have confidence when you have only experienced ridicule rejection or felt sorry for by girls??? That has been a burning issue i have always faced how does confidence come when all you have faced has been darts and arrows which shoot holes in any attempts to even imagine being confident???

This applies now spiritually. Its incredibly frustrating to seek to be a mature growing disciple of Christ when reality is there are so many roadblocks within that seem to stem from adolescence or before. i have a 45 year old MIND with a teenage or younger emotional level!!! IN PART!!! I DO have many areas where i have reached a certain level but in so many other areas i feel so inept so far behind and what do you do to catch up??? I take these struggles and project them onto various verses which seem to reflect lack of maturity or growth and am like SEE LOSER YOU ARE THE FOOL WHO NEVER LEARNS!!!! That is how it sounds within my mind so often unceasing anger because of my failure to overcome various issues which call me to overcome with courage,faith,wisdom,confidence,boldness and power. i dont and havent wanted to NOT overcome these things seems like i have made choices many times which reinforced the negative image i seem to identify with.

So, any themes or areas that strike you dear readers???? Is it understandable how I can on one hand be a dedicated seeker after God involved in ministry and growing on ine hand yet also be an emotionally immature struggling troubled manchild at the sametime??? All feedback is always so welcome!!! It really is a very therapeutic exercise to share on here so glad its here and so many of you wonderful souls come by and peek in!!!


At 1:38 AM, Blogger Calia77 said...

I so get where you're coming from. You strike a very loud chord (was it Eminor?) with my experiences of life.

Rejected by boys consistently from a very young age, nearing 30 and stil single, makes it very hard to trust God that He has the best for me when I so desparately want to be married, to be with someone. How hard it is to trust when there are so few guys around you. When in fact there's only 1 - and he seems not interested.

Then I have to counter this longing, which makes me feel so helpless, so immarture, so needy, with my role on the leadership team at church. People value my opinion, my prayers, pictures God gives me. Yet I think - if only they knew inside I'm just a messed up child who can't pray on her own.

Yet God keeps drawing me to Him. And His grace enables this woman-child to live, to exist, to survive, to hold on. All the while confused and a little out of her depth.

At 10:31 AM, Blogger bjk said...

Anyhow, i was like how in heck do you have confidence when you have only experienced ridicule rejection or felt sorry for by girls??? That has been a burning issue i have always faced how does confidence come when all you have faced has been darts and arrows which shoot holes in any attempts to even imagine being confident???

Where does our confidence come from Robert?? I am as riddled as you with self doubt BUT when I am focused on Him my identity is secure.....so that makes me care less what others think which makes me more self confident.....
does that make sense....? But my first inclination is to just run away....

At 10:18 PM, Blogger Layla (aka Barbara) said...

Wow, Roberto....you are on a roll with these posts, I can't even comment at the moment...thanks for writing this, the comments are good too.

At 3:14 AM, Blogger Awareness said...

Keep spilling your thoughts and words, Robert. They are beautiful and so are you.

I plan to write sometime soon about a book I just finished reading that knocked my socks off. I think you would like it too......and gain similar insights and strength from it as I have.

I don't know how difficult it would be for you to find it...maybe through Amazon.ca.......but I do believe you would enjoy it.

It's called "Becoming Human" by Jean Vanier.

actually.....if you google his name, you will learn about his life work.....he is an amazing individual....

One other thought reading your post.... I do believe that the age between 40 and 50 years should be called "the years of reflection and new directions........" we are all there in some capacity, arent we?

Blogging was made for it. That's why I love it too.

take care....beautiful man.



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