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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, April 26, 2007

so like solomon

Ecclesiastes is a very unique book filled with Solomons meanderings on life and its purpose and meaning. Ultimately he determines life is void of any real meaning or purpose apart from God. I definitely see and understand how he came to that conclusion. I find it very interesting though j how alot of others come to exact opposite conclusion. Bill mahre was interviewed on msnbc the other night and shared his view that all religion and faith are irrational and cause only confusion and bad things to happen. He stated science is to be relied upon and trusted not religion or faith. i wonder what happened in his life to cause him to believe this way.

So many thoughts wandering around inside about so many things. it may seem to all who read this blog I am strictly serious and never lighten up oh may it never be LOL its just when i sit and write here I feel its the one place to unleash all that i have within and that i often bury deep so i dont have to deal with them or feel like im burdening others if i share them. I really do love to have fun and laugh make people smile be an encourager I guess I see this as a safe haven to share the deep stuff good bad and ugly.

I am hoping God is pushing me to move to a deeper level as i pursue the call. It seems i have struggled forever with so much of the same things. The weird things is, I have such a good grasp of what Hes calling for and how He provides ways to go adter what He asks for from His followers but i also have a part of me that just cannot shake fear and guilt shame and a sense of being trapped in a certain way of being. I have the black/white syndrome inherent in myself. I have gone so long wanting to be free of certain fears and i wonder just exactly what all is entailed in being free of it or them. I have made it into such a huge thing within my head i dont even know just what to look for in God taking it away because i dont know just exactly how it functions. I wonder how much my fear is linked to my fathers death.

i think family experiences affect us when we are young research and life experience seem to suggest so. I have many memories of my dad but they are like snapshots or still photos as opposed to movies. i cannot recall his voice and hard to remember many emotional/intimate moments. i think that has affected my view of God and of death. I understand it all as Im supposed to intellectually but a deeper core part of me has so much fear attached because of pain, distance,loss and separation associated with losing my dad. i want to accept God and all involved with Him completely no holds barred realizing the crown requires the cross. I understand that in order to live i must die and not only physically but personally/emotionally in order to live as He makes me. Just all my experince and my internal antenna make me feel so scared and wanting to hide avoid make it go away. i want God to send Jesus with a bunch of angels and take me to heaven LOL forget the whole dying being buried in a casket deal ok???? i want to accept the reality of death and of pain and do it with His power he gives me. Why do i seem to be unable to???? I go round and round in my brain and mind so often i come to the ultimate realization its all up to Him and i accept that but when i think about a heart attack or stroke the actual EVENT of dying i just get frozen in a fear maze and cant see the way out the fact that i have fear is like a thick fog hiding His resurrection power and the peace that comes from Him.

i have more to share already a long post. Again hope this resonates with some of you and makes sense. This sharing really does build up hope faith and love more and more. Blessings to you all!!!!


At 5:04 AM, Blogger bjk said...

Again hope this resonates with some of you and makes sense.

Oh Brother......Robert it DOES!


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