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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, May 02, 2007


this is descriptive of how i have been with God lately. So much of me wants to approach unbridled, yet alot of me wants to avoid and go another way. Why???? I wish i knew. I think alot of times i am functionally psychotic. I am able to live life in a very normal fashion, work shop handle relationships, (well to an extent) and alot of the other stuff. My insides are so twisted like a pretzel though. Before i went to Bible College I had mostly non-christian friends. The cool thing was even though i gave up partying they still wanted to hang out and so i would have them over to my house, even let them get drunk and high there. I figured it was like jesus hanging with the so called *sinners* No judging them just accepting them as they were. Once i went to Bible College, i lost contact with almost all my old friends. part was just life and its changes. Other factor was i became fully immersed in the church and being a youth leader and studying to be a minister.

Bible College is not a panacea far from it. I LOVED it there!!! So many great people, wonderful professors and missionaries among others. Great pastors and speakers who came there. But it was a bubble in a lot of ways. i was very lucky, we allowed students from cal state fullerton to live in our dorm. as lon gas they obeyed the rules. i had an atheist be one of my roomies one year and he was great a very fun guy helped me to stay authentic everyday. After graduating i found myself in a kind of vaccuum. i had been insulated from certain temptations while living at school. Now that i wasn;t there, those temptations loomed large. My old insecurities reared their ugly head about finding a gf and being able to develop a relationship. I wasn;t going to be a minister after all because at end of my jr year i realized i really should have stayed with my psych pursuits. i felt very scared very vulnerable not knowing just what I should do. The telephone can be a real source of stress relief of comfot much like food and sex. There is a huge subculture that exists where people use the phone much like they do the net. It serves as a means of relating/connectiing to people. Trouble is it is anonymous and allows the imagination to be used both good and bad. Some people use the phone to let loose their pentup anger, others various emotions and thoughts or desires. of course sexuality is a huge release as well.

Our brain is supposedly our greatest sexual organ. Makes sense because true sexuality is way more than the organs we have on our bodies with which we express it. Fantasy, creative imagination is a huge part of sex. Just have anyone read Song of Solomon if they ever try to say God is a prude or that He is against sex. God is the greatest, most incredible awesome lover of all and Im not trying to be prurient or odd in any way shape or form saying that. He knew sex woukd be the most intense experience we humans could experience on a physical level. No wonder when people have orgasms they usually scream His name seriously!!!! Using the imagination combined with expressions of sexuality can be potent stuff. Powerful emotion gets released along with the pleasure centers inside the brain. The ability to engage in it with no threats of rejection or abuse or other negatives that happen in real life make it a very easy thing to be drawn into. Both men and women find such release in record numbers, it really is a huge iceberg with the peak above the waters surface being the very minimum of how enormous the scope really runs. many others have posted on this.

When i was at the jr college i attended before Bible college i took an applied pych course. We got to act as a therapist while the professor, who happened to be a licensed psychiatrist, had people roleplay as clients for us so we could get the experience of *doing therapy* it was a great class. One thing he did was give us all the MMPI which is known as the biggie of all psych tests. He analyzed my results and told me i was split in half one part of me wanted to be the best i could be do everything as I knew was right in being the christian i wanted to be and the other side of me wanted to break loose and raise hell. He was right. I always wanted to pretend that wild side was removed and gotten rid of. Of course as long as we are in these bodies on this earth we will always have it in there to some extent. My trying to supress repress or dismiss it i think maybe made it worse. i struggle with things i think most people do in their teens or early 20's. Wish i had taken my book smarts transformed them into emotional relational smarts.

So i find myself wanting to move closer yet also trying to pull away from God. Fear has always been a big issue, sex another. Fantasy imagination is a very fun exciting activity and alot of others find it so as well. it comes with a price though. makes me feel as though hell is trying to pull me into it and even though I want in the deepest part of me to tuen to God and Jesus and rest in Them...... I am compelled to go back and do the very things which torture my soul and mind and emotions. Wish i had an easy answer especailly with all the incredible events God has allowed me to experience and the people i have known and learned from. This is where im at and wanted to be open and share. Prayers are appreciated always. Incredible how we are all going through so much in so many different ways and God can use that to bring healing and love. Bless all of you out there!!!!


At 7:50 AM, Blogger bjk said...

been praying for all my bloggin buddies and wondering how you're doing.....I realized snorkeling what a quitter I can be.....the realization didn't hurt as much as those of the past...His grace I guess...huh??

At 9:26 PM, Blogger Smitty said...

I am right there with you in the whole do I approach God or do I avoid Him? It is often very convicting to approach Him but to avoid Him isn't right either. Hum...


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