waking through the fog

Coming to grips with where i am with God is a scary thing. Especially since fear seems to have been the predominant emotion and thought for as long as i can recall. I think back and remember having fear because of seeing scary movies or something on tv as well as hearing about things from family and friends. As i have said my paternal grandmother who lived in our house was a huge infkluence and she was very fearful and very overprotective, i know i learned a fear attitude from her. The biggest event was of course my dads dying and i didnt know it was going to happen. It happened as a sudden shock, because my parents decided it was best to not tell my sister and i our dad was going to die. How can a decision like that be easily made??? It can't rough stuff no matter what way you go.

I think i had a very inquisitve nature as a kid as well as able to be intuitive of peoples feelings and just certain things. I took things very deeply personalk internally and some of that is due to my being an introvert by nature. I think death became a *thing* in my imagination back then at 8 or maybe earlier. Somehow it was a thing to be avoided and tricked or however i could keep it away. For some reason death has loomed like a huge dark shadow over me as long as i can remember and an idea of my actions and worth to escape it has been in me. My fear and childlike or childish way of viewing death was formed way before my acceotance of Jesus as Lord and Savior and fully understanding His salvation even though i grew up going to the Catholic Church.

My dilemma is i am 46 i still have a latent fear that becomes more troublesome day by day. I know God is in control and Jesus overcame death. For some reason i still see very negative visions in my mind when thinking about death. I see images of pain gory bodies darkness blackness abandonment punishment. Some of these come from unresolved anger i think as well as guilt and shame over past or current sin struggles. I have lived with this inside lurking in my mind for so long. i have been an active believer i have had many times of real joy in the Lord and a strong reality of His presence. But i have had lots of times where i feel like fear has been a huge elephant on my back. Certain verses in the Bible served to haunt me and induce pain and rejection. The verse in James about not bein ga doubleminded man Os Guinness has an excellent book about doubt called * In Two Minds* he goes into vivid detail about it. I got twisted and frustrated in reading that book because i didnt want to be in 2 minds but didnt know how not to be.

The prodigal son story the story about the bad servant who buried his talent the times where being confident brave and bold and fearless are highlighted. I have always had an emotional climate of God being disappointed and chastising me i think because i have been shy timid fearful lacking in confidence and all that. There is lots of ways I have grown and achieved and accepted challenges God has given me. I just tend to, seep inside,have such focus on where i fall short and dont know how to overcome it. I know the truth of who God is and what Jesus does as well as the Holy Spirit but i dont know how to just fully apply it. I dont know why I resist and why I choose avoidance or sin so often. i do love God i want to follow and obey yet a part of me wants to do some things He says are wrong and lots of times i do. I dont do them in ways that are blatant and hurtful to others in a very direct way but all sin ultimately hurts. it is easy somehow to go into denial and make believe some stuff is no problem when it really is.

Well this has turned into a confesssional really. Hope to get responses. If anyone would like to talk deeper and more personally please feel free to email me. I wish again we could all be in huge room and pour out our hearts to each other. Maybe the blogosphere IS that huge room??? *Confess your sins one to another tha you may receve healing* A good verse i think. Blessings from Him to all!!!!