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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, September 03, 2007

waking through the fog

Coming to grips with where i am with God is a scary thing. Especially since fear seems to have been the predominant emotion and thought for as long as i can recall. I think back and remember having fear because of seeing scary movies or something on tv as well as hearing about things from family and friends. As i have said my paternal grandmother who lived in our house was a huge infkluence and she was very fearful and very overprotective, i know i learned a fear attitude from her. The biggest event was of course my dads dying and i didnt know it was going to happen. It happened as a sudden shock, because my parents decided it was best to not tell my sister and i our dad was going to die. How can a decision like that be easily made??? It can't rough stuff no matter what way you go.

I think i had a very inquisitve nature as a kid as well as able to be intuitive of peoples feelings and just certain things. I took things very deeply personalk internally and some of that is due to my being an introvert by nature. I think death became a *thing* in my imagination back then at 8 or maybe earlier. Somehow it was a thing to be avoided and tricked or however i could keep it away. For some reason death has loomed like a huge dark shadow over me as long as i can remember and an idea of my actions and worth to escape it has been in me. My fear and childlike or childish way of viewing death was formed way before my acceotance of Jesus as Lord and Savior and fully understanding His salvation even though i grew up going to the Catholic Church.

My dilemma is i am 46 i still have a latent fear that becomes more troublesome day by day. I know God is in control and Jesus overcame death. For some reason i still see very negative visions in my mind when thinking about death. I see images of pain gory bodies darkness blackness abandonment punishment. Some of these come from unresolved anger i think as well as guilt and shame over past or current sin struggles. I have lived with this inside lurking in my mind for so long. i have been an active believer i have had many times of real joy in the Lord and a strong reality of His presence. But i have had lots of times where i feel like fear has been a huge elephant on my back. Certain verses in the Bible served to haunt me and induce pain and rejection. The verse in James about not bein ga doubleminded man Os Guinness has an excellent book about doubt called * In Two Minds* he goes into vivid detail about it. I got twisted and frustrated in reading that book because i didnt want to be in 2 minds but didnt know how not to be.

The prodigal son story the story about the bad servant who buried his talent the times where being confident brave and bold and fearless are highlighted. I have always had an emotional climate of God being disappointed and chastising me i think because i have been shy timid fearful lacking in confidence and all that. There is lots of ways I have grown and achieved and accepted challenges God has given me. I just tend to, seep inside,have such focus on where i fall short and dont know how to overcome it. I know the truth of who God is and what Jesus does as well as the Holy Spirit but i dont know how to just fully apply it. I dont know why I resist and why I choose avoidance or sin so often. i do love God i want to follow and obey yet a part of me wants to do some things He says are wrong and lots of times i do. I dont do them in ways that are blatant and hurtful to others in a very direct way but all sin ultimately hurts. it is easy somehow to go into denial and make believe some stuff is no problem when it really is.

Well this has turned into a confesssional really. Hope to get responses. If anyone would like to talk deeper and more personally please feel free to email me. I wish again we could all be in huge room and pour out our hearts to each other. Maybe the blogosphere IS that huge room??? *Confess your sins one to another tha you may receve healing* A good verse i think. Blessings from Him to all!!!!


At 10:41 AM, Blogger bjk said...

Tell me please how you take the story of the Prodigal....

oh how I would love to be in that big room conversation!

At 9:10 PM, Blogger Smitty said...

I too think you should post on the Prodigal. I would be interested in hearing your take on it. Henri Nouwen wrote a book entitled "The Return of the Prodigal Son" which is on my bookshelf in the "To Read" pile. You might want to check it out. I don't recommend books usually until I read them, but I just thought about it. Anyway, I understand your fear. Fear is such a paralyzing force that I think Satan uses to keep us from God. The question is: How do we overcome it? I'm looking forward to reading more.

At 1:07 AM, Blogger Shaz said...

What a joy it would be to all sit around and chat. You never know one day we might the Lord moves in mysterious ways but for know I am grateful to this medium of the blog world.

At 6:27 AM, Blogger Gary Means said...

Hey Bro,
I have never feared death, well except for the time after an intentional OD. I laid back in the chair after downing the pills and waited to die. Then it wasn't death that I was afraid of. It was God. I knew He would be majorly pissed.

My fears have always been tied to the idea of being rejected by other human beings. I have spent so much of my life reliving past failures and rejections and so much anticipating potential rejections.

When I was young I was afraid of being rejected because of my appearance. I was always too skinny, too goofy looking, too uncoordinated. Now I'm too fat. But even so my appearance is not a huge area of fear.

My fears mainly surround the issue of being perceived to be stupid. I work with a number of brainiacs, and as a result often feel that they tolerate me with bemusement. This is not the case. I contribute and my intellect is adequate for the tasks I undertake . . . well, perhaps except for this one software package I have to learn. But then again, the developer I am working with is also struggling with it.

As for fear of God, I think lately I have been keeping that at arm's length through any number of coping mechanisms. That's one of the primary functions of addiction.

Not sure if I've really adequately addressed your post. But that's my take on it in a precaffeinated state at 6:30 in the morning.

At 5:36 AM, Blogger Robert said...

becky and laura thanks I have addressed the prodigal now in a new post fear sure is an elusive beast to conquer!!

shaz- hey mate so cool to read your post about having a few days in a row painmeds free!!! and feeling so good!! you rock shaz!!

gary bro- o yes you sure did address the questions I guess fear of death ultimately is fear of God because who is in control of death?? I share to an extent the fear of being thought dumb because i am just poor at math alway love your take on things buddy!!!

At 9:59 AM, Blogger karen said...

Robert, I grew up in a similar environment...my dad didn't die, but my mom lived in a fear state, so I grew up fearing life in general. Death was always on my mind, too, as my health wasn't great, and still struggling with that. But, look at how far we've come! Sometimes the enemy works on me really hard, but he does that when we are God's! And you are God's own child.


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