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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, October 13, 2007


Quite a long word again should be perfect for scrabble Apostle Paul used it in a sentence when he was talking about the character and nature of God. I think he was right on to a large extent in the sense that God is just wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy above our ability to understand although on another level He allows us to very profoundly understand Him. He is God. He created all there is He created all of us. I often just sit and wonder in awe at that . I love those moments can i can stall the fury rumbling in my skull and take hold of being able to consider His majesty and wonder. God is love God is good Jesus is God in flesh. Why the heck do I struggle so often to just remain in that truth and soak it up and let it be the foundation i act from???

My whole issue with fear really comes down to a few things. Fear that i will experience some horrible form of pain and suffering followed by death that will not be pleasant and fear of somehow falling short of Gods goal for me and having no way to achieve it. These fears are not rational and logical because in those areas i am locksolid on who God is who jesus is what Jesus has done and that in Him is eternal life. These fears are emotional and in that gray area where nothing is concrete and faith is all that is there to grab onto. Deep inside I always believe God will bring me through. Even attimes when i have felt like Im at the bottom emotionally,mentally,spiritually God somehow enables me to find a sliver of hope despite being overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts of ruin despair and dismay. Fear actls like a wall it blocks out being able to see or move past it. It seems to be immovable so often unavoidable. Hold on there bucko...... didnt God originate everything??? isnt God absolutely in charge at all times??? Doesnt God have love forgiveness mercy and grace that reaches so far He allowed His Son to become one of His creation who rejected Him to suffer and die for us to rescue us??? Knowing and believing all this i still find my way on the spinning wheel going round and round as various fears and hurts and doubts arise within and demand attentiion.

I see suffering all the time on tv in the papers and magazines hear it on the radio whether it be darfur africa homeless iraq racism on and on and on. Some cases where God appears to be absent or on vacation and then so much of people places totally oblivious to God and if there is a hell and thats where they end up so what it will be one nonstop party dude and many who think they can live good righteous llives without God at all. They have no concerns about sin about disobeying God and failing Jesus. My fears i fight against do involve disappointing and failing God and Jesus scared over choosing pleasure wants or safe things protecting self as opposed to unselfishly surrendering myself and being a living sacrifice. Though i long to be that and to overcome the barriers and blocks to being and doing that. Yet i still make choices which war against His will. I saw a few movies today very good. Michael Clayton and The Gameplan entirely different but both very good and moving. Gods reality kept hitting me throughout both movies. His ability to help me overcome fear and to realize He is always there He never leaves i just seem to lose that understanding somehow. Maybe just maybe He is helping me to turn a huge corner and go into a place where He just has available all the time resting in His care. No matter what could possibly happen God is there and wont leave me or anyone by themselves abandoned. Despite feelings to the contrary, This is the ISSUE. I need a post about my father. Just saying that right now is making my eyes start to well up. I have seldom talked about him. I truly belioeve so much of my fear stuff and feelings of distance from God are related to him and losing him. i think a post will be a catharsis for me. We will see. Blessings grace and peace all.


At 3:59 PM, Blogger Lori said...

The picture here is ...

The woman at the well in John 4

She came to Him ... and asked "give me this water so that I won't get thirsty...

He said "go call your husband and come back"

She replied: " I have no husband"

And he said "Your are right, when you say you have no husband. The fact is you have had five husbands and the man you have now is not your husband"

Five husbands:
1. Eyes.
2. Ears.
3. Nose.
4. Mouth
5. Touch..

Sixth husband:
6. Man.

Your true husband being HIM .. Jesus..

He is the true one.

Hang in there Robert.. your on the edge..... of something good.

In Him


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